SUNDAY

I've spent a lot of today telling Mama the days of the week. I can only imagine the turmoil that she must go through trying to get things straight. She has had trouble remembering today is Sunday and also trying to get the days in the right order.

Sometimes it is hard for me to maintain the repetition of Mama's forgetting. I sometimes want to just tell her it doesn't matter or not to worry about whatever it is that she can't remember. But then I know it is important to her. I know myself how maddening it is to not be able to think of a name or a word, it will be on the tip of my tongue. Mama has this feeling all the time. I try to tell her everything she asks me. Over and over.

John Michael and Olivia were here for a while tonight. Mama likes for them to come. She enjoys it when any of the children are here. Children do have a way of brightening a room. I wish we could see them all every day. Susan and John Michael, we want to see you too.

I've neglected reading today but the night is young. I'm still reading the Book of Exodus. Also reading SECRETS OF EDEN by Chris Bohjalian. And other things here and there, depending where I am in the house.

Tomorrow I aim to get back to my watercolour art journal, shelve some books, sort some pictures. Might even do the dishes.

JANE

Jane has gone and I miss her a lot. I liked having her here. We did a lot of talking and laughing and, of course, shed some tears. Mama seemed to have trouble remembering who Jane is and their relationship. Jane is her brother's daughter. She has a brother, Joe. Her brother, Billy, died in 1965. His wife was and the mother of Joe and Jane is Anna Ruth. She helps me a lot. When Mama was in the hospital she cancelled everything and stayed at the hospital at least every other night. Mama talks to her on the phone a few times every day. Most of the time it is hard to follow Mama conversations on the phone. She tends to say things backwards and lately her receptive language is the same way. This makes talking with her difficult. I feel so bad for her since this is confusing to her, to say the least.

More and more, Mama wants me to stay in the room with her. She worries when I am out of her sight. She thinks I have gone to bed and left her or maybe I left the house. I always try to tell her when I'm going out of the room but she often forgets. She needs a lot of reassurance and reminders of what is happening around her. She thinks she is in our way. She isn't.

Now that Jane is gone, Mama is worrying that she didn't know who she was while she was here. We continually reminded her but now she has lost all of that. She wasn't even nice to Jane all the time which is totally out of character for my mother. But Jane understood although it made her sad.

I try really hard to keep Mama from being stressed and sad but it is hard for her. I'm always looking for ways to make her more comfortable.

A VISITOR

My cousin is here visiting my mother. Well, me too. We are having a really good time. It is good for Mama to have her here. They have always been close and have spent many hours talking through the years.

Jane is a great storyteller. Her stories keep us in stitches. I still even laugh at the ones I have heard many times. In fact, they usually get funnier. Not to say she embellishes!

I'm having a lot of shoulder pain. I support Mama with my right arm more than the left and it is giving me trouble. She isn't able to get up, stand or walk alone. She can use a walker but only with help. Sometimes we use a small wheelchair when she is too weak to use the walker. I use the chair when I'm here by myself since I can't get her up without help. She had some physical therapy recently that has helped her get out of her chair and walk a bit better. She can push herself up some and that does help me. Hubby is a constant help.

She has days of clarity but more days of confusion that stems from the effects of the brain tumor. The mental stress for me is far more demanding than the physical. I try to keep her as stress free as possible. She loses her words or can't find the word she needs which is aggravating to her. I do my best to anticipate what she is trying to say but it is becoming more difficult. It frustrates her when I don't know what she wants to say or if I can't tell who she is talking about. But considering she is 91 and all the medical maladies she has had, I guess she does fairly well.

I have learned that there is nothing I can't do. I would never have thought this when I was younger. But somehow I manage to take care of my mother.

NAMES

I've had lots of names. When I was little I stayed with two cousins who were in their 70's at the time. They called me Sugar Plum. They said I was the sweetest thing that lived. Yes, they did, and I have the letter to prove it. My Uncle B called me Skit, he had a lot of names for me, all of them affectionate. One of my cousins calls me Cousin, as I do her. Hubby and I have nicknames we call each other. My children called me Mommy, then mOm. My grandchildren call be Bubbe, which is Hebrew for Grandmother. I've been Alice, Alice Hale, Mrs. Adams, Justus Redfern.

One name I've never been called is Mama. I always called my mother, Mama. But now at age 63 I am called Mama. At night, my mother calls me Mama. She doesn't do it during the day but as soon as she settles in to sleep she begins to call me Mama. She gets up several times in the night to go to the bathroom and always wakes me up calling for Mama. At first, it was a bit disconcerting but as time has gone by it has become so common as to be acceptable. Our roles have reversed in so many ways, as I expected it would. But I wasn't prepared for this reversal, that I become Mama by name.

She is always apologetic when she wakes me up or more likely, I'm not asleep. She hates to bother me, she says. I get her up and out of bed, she asks me if I have go to the bathroom, that I better go. Then we start to get her back in bed and she worries that I won't go back to sleep. I assure her I will or that I'm up reading. She usually chuckles when I tell her I'm reading or will say, Surely not. She wants to know where I am and if I'm warm. Even though she calls me Mama, that role has not changed, she worries about my every comfort. She has a real need to know where I am when she goes to bed. I know it makes her insecure to be in the room by herself, she knows I'm close though.

I start my days as Alice but end them as Mama.

01 02 2010

Patti Digh posted on her facebook status that today is Palindrome Day. 01 02 2010

I just love that sort of thing.



The girls are making brownies, one in oven another ready. (brownies in oven, not the girls) We have pizza ordered. Going to church tonight, Ritzy's afterward. I am hoping they still have peppermint milk shakes. They have the best ones ever. I just don't understand why peppermint ice cream is seasonal. I like it all the time.

01 January 2010

I just don't know how it got to be the year 2010. That sounds so far in the future, yet here is where I find myself. 63 years old, way too tired.

I've now completed one full year of care giving with my mother. Her frailties became more prominent in August 2008. She was in the hospital from August 14-October 3, 2008. During this time she got a feeding tube and had surgery for a brain tumor. When it was time for her to leave the hospital we got all the supplies to care for her at home. We have managed to keep her out of the hospital even though she has had several poorly spells.

I'm reading BLOODROOT by Amy Greene. I started it before Christmas but had to lay it aside. Now I'm half way through it and loving it. I intend to read and read during 2010. Even though I read a lot last year there were times I wasn't lost in a book. I want to stay lost most of the time. Clem & Trixie is almost copied. Justus is writing about Leticia Clotsworthy. I wrote a poem the other day. It's going to be a year of words.

I'm also going to attempt to read the Bible again in 2010, a chronological edition. I haven't done that. I'll have to see how it goes. Well, I know how it goes, just have to see if I like to read it like that.

We ate all the food that is supposed to be eaten on New Year's Day. I cooked so does this mean I will cook all year!!