COLD

Back in the summer, when it was so hot, I said I would be glad when it was winter. I'm sorry I said that. I do not like being cold. It seems to have happened so quickly. But I do like to cover up in the chair and read or have computer time, or both at the same time. Three of the cats stay in the house most of the time and they seem to like covering up, too. Sadie should be in but she if afraid of the inside cats. She could whip them all but she is afraid. I try to bring her in but it doesn't go well and she wants out. She is well fed and fluffy. She seems to stay warm somewhere. The outside cats eat well.
I'm going to have to put up a Christmas tree. Sooner than later.

AFTER THANKSGIVING

Well, Thanksgiving is over and I have to say I'm glad. We did have a really good time with family and nobody went home hungry.

I am the least likey person to be able to cook a Thanksgiving dinner, but, amazingly, I did. It's not the first time but I don't think I'm very good at it. I only like dressing made the way my mother made it but I don't think it was anybody's favorite. But if I'm making it I can do it the way I want. I have only cooked one turkey in my whole life and don't intend to do that ever again. I just didn't like touching it. So I bought a smoked turkey breast and it was really good and I didn't have to touch it at all. I got carried away with the mac and cheese and made way too much. The pan was too full and cheese ran down the sides as it baked. I didn't eat it but a lot of it was consumed so guess it was passable. I did cook a ham but we ate a big part of it on Wednesday.

We had family on Friday (we didn't eat the family, we fed them). We had navy beans, cooked from scratch, spaghetti, country ham and cornbread, along with a few leftovers. It was a good day.

Now I have to look toward Christmas. I don't like messing with Christmas trees but like them when they are up and decorated. But at midnight on Dec. 26, I am finished with that tree.

I used my mother's dishes for Thanksgiving. I didn't go get them until late Wednesday night. I'm glad I used them. She had them for years and never tired of using them. They did make the table pretty.

I bought candles but lost them, only to find them Thursday night. I guess they will keep for next year.

The cats enjoyed the scraps, they had a festive Thanksgiving.

I should begin right now and purge the house of clutter and stuff. But I probably won't since I like it all so well. My children can deal with it when I pass.

Now I want to read, write, paint, art journal and nap. All at the same time.

WISHING FOR RAIN

I just took a chocolate cake out of the oven. It is going to have cherry icing. Susan's favorite. It will put all my pounds back on. Maybe I can make myself just eat a tiny little piece.

I don't know what to read. I keep starting books but they don't keep my attention. I start them over and read a little more, then lay them aside. I know that will change but it drives me crazy. I like to be lost in books.

I wish it would rain, buckets of rain, making rivers in my back yard. I would like to have lightning and wind, great raindrops hitting the windows. I wish it would come just at the gloaming and run into the night, keeping me awake, then lulling me into a deep sleep.

I DREAMT OF TREES

As soon as I got home from Wales, my dreams began to change. Since my mother died, I hadn't dreamt of her, but now I started to do so. The dreams weren't sad or anything out of the ordinary, she was just in them. I could remember the dreams vividly but there didn't seem to be any real significance to any of them. Then they stopped.

Then I dreamt of trees.

I walked out of a house, leaving people inside. I held the screen door to keep it from slamming. The porch was made of wide boards, once having been painted, now peeling yet still sturdy. The edges of the boards were unfinished, some with jagged places, others worn smooth. I didn't go down the steps but if I had, my feet would have felt ancient rocks full of fossils. The yard was dirt with patches of green grass, dogs, cats, chickens ambling about.

Looking straight from the porch I could see a stand of trees, in full leaf, green, lush. The sky was blue, deep blue, with a few white clouds, a breeze blowing.

As I watched the trees, the leaves began to change, although nothing else changed around them. The trunk and branches of the trees stayed the same. The leaves first turned white, like icy particles in the shape of summer leaves, a light began to come from them, not through them or around them but from them. The white turned to a translucent silver, continuing to give light.

The dream comes to me all the time, day and night, awake and asleep. I like for it to appear. It makes me happy. I don't know where it takes place but it makes me think of Wales. I know there is a connection , I may never know exactly but then, I might one day.

WALES

I'm in Wales spending time with dead relatives.

This morning, I set out to get rid of some stuff. So far, I have thrown away newspapers, empty plastic bags, stale bread, crumpled paper, detached price tags, and spilled cat food. I really intended to cull some serious stuff. But I like my stuff. I moved things around a bit, put buttons in a bowl, stacked art paper, put pencils in a container, sorted pictures, made a pile of shoes, took clothes upstairs to the closet. Now I'm tired and sitting in the chair. The stuff will wait.

Since reading TINKERS by Paul Harding, I haven't read much. It has taken over my head and I can't think about any other book. But something else will come along. I want to read THE PASSAGE by Justin Cronin. That might be what I read on the way to Wales.

June 21 is the departure date for Wales. I have been thinking about what I should pack. I can't take more than I can carry. But I like clean clothes. I should make a list.

The kittens must go next week. I said that last week.

Silas House has written a most wonderful blog entry. http://www.silashouseblog.blogspot.com/

BOOKS

I should be shelving books. Well, I could be shelving books is I had anymore shelf space. Books take up every space a book could possibly fit. In many places, they are double shelved, which I swore I would never do. But it became a necessity.

I had a much longer post and lost it somehow. Now I'm too tired to write it again. It can hold until tomorrow.

KRISTIN

My greanddaughter, Kristin, is 17 years old today. She is such a delightful girl. I love her so much. I wish I could make her happy all her life.

FREEZERS

My freezer has stopped working. I discovered it when Olivia wanted a popsicle. She likes those red, white and blue ones. It was mushy. All the ice cream was lost but the meat was still solid. The only thing I could do was take it to Mama's freezer.
Well, I hadn't cleaned out Mama's freezer yet. John Michael hadn't been to her house since August of 2008, since she left there to come here.I know it was hard for him to go but he said he would help me take the food. I took garbage bags to clean out the freezer. There wasn't really a lot left there, some Schwann, a huge brisket roast, corn, peppers, and onions she had cut to freeze for making soup or spaghetti. Most of what was in the freezer were things she had prepared herself. There was a zip lock bag that held 4 cornbread muffins. She made them all the time and would put leftovers in the freezer, ready for company or to make dressing. These little corn muffins made me so sad, they were so typical of her, something she had done thousands of times in her life. I had a hard time throwing them away and am tempted to go get them out of the garbage. I know, that's really silly.
So now my food is freezing nicely in her freezer.
John Michael says he can't think of anything he wants from the house. But I know he will. He commented on a blouse hanging on a door facing, left where she hung it when she took it out of the dryer. He looked in the cabinets wwhere he used to store her freshly canned green beans. Her shoes were sitting on a chair. Most of the house is still just like she left it. Other things have had to be moved. Her essence hasn't left the house.
I have a lot of things to clean out at Mama's house. I guess I'll get it all done one day.

WEARY

Tonight, I'm weary, dreary, bleary. I haven't been able to do any of the things I should have done today. I did cook supper and that's about it. I spent some time outside, cutting limbs, pulling weeds, talking to the birds and cats. And yes, they talked back.

Maybe if I go to sleep, I'll do better tomorrow. I've said that before.

I'm coughing and have a bit of a sore throat. I should have gone to the dr today but it was just so much trouble.

If it wasn't for Frasier, I would be asleep.

RAIN

It has rained and rained. We even had a storm last night. The plants are soaked but they don't seem to mind.

I'm sad about all the flooding in Nashville. I love Nashville.

The baby kittens are needing a new box. They also need homes. Maybe if I advertise them for sale it will make people think they are really special. Well, it's a thought.

I'm trying to not be sad tonight, but not having much luck. I'm going to bed to read so maybe that will help.

The rain is over. But not the flooding.

STORM

The tv keeps telling me a storm is coming. I love storms. It aggravates me when the weather forecast is wrong.

I'm reading HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY by Richard Llewellyn. It is slow going, it makes me sad. I read it years ago and have read bits and pieces of it for years. My mother was always quoting her favorite parts. Then we would weep.

A MONTH OUT

My mother has been dead for a month now. The days have been strange. I have done really well maintaining my composure in most instances. I learned well from Mama, we were always private mourners.

It is hitting home with me all the things I have lost. My mother was rarely critical of me, she should have been but she wasn't. She was proud of everything I did, everything I read or wrote, my opinions. Of course, our opinions were the same. I've lost being able to put my feet in her lap for them to be tickled or leaning my seat back in the truck for her to scratch my head. We had a kind of language, facial expressions, body language that all made communicating a private affair. She would drop everything to go on a road trip, we were lost most of the time, but it didn't matter.

Even though my family likes me, it's conditional. With my mother, it wasn't.

CHANGES

I've been thinking about the changes for me since mama died. The one that seems to giving me the most worry is that I won't ever have an unconditional relationship again. Mama liked me no matter what and no matter what I did, it didn't change anything for her concerning me. I get on everybody else's nerves, a lot of people disapprove of me in one way or another. I always knew that she would be fine with whatever I did, even if it was stupid. That's a big thing to lose.

CRASHING

I've been crashing in the oddest places. I am very good in the art of self control. I can usually put forth the attitude I intend for others to see but not always. Elizabeth and I stopped to eat at Waffle House on Monday. I had gotten a copy of the eulogy from Bob and took it in with me. I started to read it and had a total melt down, yes, right there in Waffle House.

More than once, I've been suddenly sad, driving down the road, for no particular reason, just sad. Once or twice, a smell has made me sad, and sounds.

My mother was in our house with us for a long time. Right after she died, I caught myself going in the book room to check on her or looking around the corner from the kitchen to see if she was ok in her chair. But already, I'm beginning to think of calling her at her house or running down to see her. Some mornings, it crosses my mind to call and just before I go to bed, I think of it. The last days of her life are the most removed from my memory. Not that I've forgotten or want to forget, I just remember earlier times with more urgency.

There are kittens in our basement, 4 of them. There were 6, but 2 went to Kitty Heaven. I had to cut one of the dead ones away from the live ones. Their cords were all dried together. Don't ask, it was strange. The 4 remaining ones are healthy and fat. And quite relieved, I'm sure.

TWO WEEKS

It's been two weeks since my mother died. Time is a strange thing, confusing and misleading. Time makes you think all is well or nothing will ever be well again.Time throws everything off. It zips right along just as if nothing has happened.

I knew my mother would die. She told us so just a few days earlier. But the main thing that told me she was thinking about dying was the way she started to bend her arm at the elbow and put it under her head. This was a clear sign.

I have never liked burials, especially leaving the casket sitting above ground while everybody leaves to go home. So I decided to do it differently. After the funeral we went to the cemetery, took our places and Bob read a short scripture with a prayer. The casket was then lowered into the ground, not a vault, but the dirt. I took a shovel, filled it, and threw the dirt into the open grave. The sound of the dirt hitting the casket was unlike anything I had ever heard before. The shovel was then passed to the rest of the family and anyone else who wanted to participate. Then the tent, chairs, fake grass were all removed and the gravediggers filled the grave and smoothed the dirt as best they could. We all went home.

It was a healing thing to me to stay until the burial was complete. I felt like I had finished taking care of my mother.

Now that two weeks have passed, I find it difficult to express my feelings. My mother and I were much alike, we mourn privately. I don't like for anyone to see me cry and go to great lengths to see that they don't. So most of my sadness has been by myself. My mother would have understood that.

AFTERWORDS

Since my mother's death, I have been with my Cousin Jane, which has helped me in so many ways. She will go home tomorrow, Janie will take her to meet Emily. I'm going to miss her.

Elizabeth is here for spring break, Olivia here tonight and she will probably be in and out later in the week. We all went to bed earlier, each one reading our own book. I love to read with them. Then we turned out the lights and I told them a story. They were soon asleep. But I had to get up to take my medicine. Now I can't sleep.


Olivia has been sad missing Mama. It is hard for her to understand. She spent a lot of time with her and now she has a lot of sadness.


Not many days before Mama died, she told us it was going to happen. It may have been the last time she was in her chair in the living room. She made a lot of jokes about dying but she wasn't joking this time. She was right.

More and more I'm wondering how it happened that I wasn't with her when she died. It was the first night in months that we had been gone. It was so important for Leah to have us at her recital. I've had several people tell me Mama waited for me to be gone before she died. But then I wonder if she died because she thought I wasn't coming back. But the important thing, she died with people who loved her and cared for her every need.

I think Mama had the perfect eulogy. Bob talked about all the things that were important, books, reading, family.He's sending me a copy, I'm anxious to read it.

Tomorrow I'm planning to blog about the cemetery.

THE PROCESS

I've started to write about my mother several times but haven't been able to until now. The process of the funeral and aftermath have somewhat consumed me. Bit I'm beginning to exhale a bit more.

After being with my mother most of the time during the last year and more, I wasn't with her when she died. The Cosmic Possum told me she waited until I was out of the house so I wouldn't have to experience her death. She could well be right. My mother was always sparing me if she could, making things easier for me, cushioning the blow.

We were in Georgetown for Leah's dance recital, which is exactly where Mama would have wanted us to be. It was important to Leah for us to be there and so we were. I will never regret seeing her dance.

Joe and Judy were here with Mama. Throughout Mama's time here, they had offered countless times to come and stay with her. This was the first time I had accepted. I left Mama with them with complete ease, I knew she would be well cared for. And she was.

I have to stop now but will continue in another post.

MAMA

Well, my mama died yesterday morning. She lived a good, long life. I hope I don't live as long as she did. Old age is tough.

I'll be writing about this experience after the house is quiet.

VISITORS

Yesterday, my Uncle Joe, Aunt Jeane, 2 cousins, Jeanne and John came to visit Mama. Joe is my mother's brother and is about 3 years younger than her. He is up and about but is failing. I was worried about him seeing Mama, since she looks bad and is in bed most of the time. She started the day in a bad way, she was confused and oppositional but later, after a bath, she settled and was excited they were here and sat up and talked to them. She was really glad they came and commented on it later in the day. I'm always glad when they are able to spend a little time together.

Then in the night Mama was congested and coughed a lot. She slept mostly but was restless. She has also slept a lot today but seems to be alert, even with all the medicine. John Michael and Olivia came up and she likes that.

I took my computer to be repaired today and it is ready to be picked up, Hubby is getting it tomorrow. I'll be glad to have it back.

I'm reading NEW YORK by Edward Rutherfurd. It drags in places but the story is good. I'm plugging along with it. I like reading a book that pulls me back.

STRESSFUL THINGS

It stresses me to have to give Mama so much medicine. But I can't let her be in pain. She is also suffering from so much anxiety. But no wonder. Everything about her is changing. She is in pain, she can't move around or do anything for herself. It all goes against the way she has always been. She has been the one to do for everybody else and it is still her instinct. She worries about us, that we will be put out by her, that we can't talk without her in the room, things like that. None of it is true but it is hard for her.

Olivia will soon be here and that will be good for Mama, even if briefly. Any of the children make her happy.

Next weekend we will be able to see all of the girls. Leah has a dance recital and we are going. Joe and Judy are coming to stay with Mama. I am so thankful they will be able to stay with her. We can't leave her with just one person anymore. Or I feel like I can't.

In the midst of caring for Mama I find I am able to write. Even if it is snippets, words are getting on paper and the computer screen. Writing and art have saved me.

WHAT DEWEY HAD TO SAY

Dewey Fox, who I love dearly, recently made personal comments to many of us on facebook. As I read what he had to say, I was so moved by his affection and his willingness to reveal himself so openly. I think we do way too little of this kind of thing. It is not always easy for me to express myself, even though I feel deeply about certain people.

Dewey told me I was the best thing since buttermilk. That is the finest thing I have ever had said to me. It made me smile and feel so good and so loved. Thank you, Dewey.

I want to copy you, Dewey. I want to tell those I love how I feel and be specific. You are a great role model in so many ways. You touch us all in ways you cannot imagine. My life is so much richer just knowing you are there and that you have my back. You are the best, Dewey, to all of us.

TRADE OFF

My Mother's Hands

The pain medication is controlling Mama's pain but it is also keeping her drugged. But I can't let her hurt. She just told me her leg was hurting. I asked her if she thought she might need a bit more medicine she said yes. So, hopefully, she will rest.

Her voice is weak and just pitiful. I am able to understand most of what she says but sometimes it is hard. Of course, she isn't talking as much since she is taking so much medicine. It's a trade off.

She did well with her bath today, rested in bed, then wanted to get in her chair. She stayed there until a short time ago. She hasn't been hungry so she has just gotten her tube feeding.

A NOTE TO THE BOOKS I'M READING:
Dear Books,
I have not forgotten you. I love all of you and you will be read in due time. Just wait for me.
Love, Alice

FEELING HELPLESS

Mama is having a lot of pain. Keeping her comfortable has become a challenge. Her leg hurts no matter what position we get her in, both in the chair or bed. She suffered terribly in the night last night but finally got to sleep around 4 after we moved her to the chair and got her medicine adjusted. She has slept most of the day today.

She is so frail now. Not that she hasn't been but more so now. Her movements are slow and delayed. I know it is the medicine but she has to take it. When she talks, her voice is low and broken. But she rallies well. Usually.

Last night when she was so poorly, I felt completely helpless. I wasn't really, I just felt that way. It's heavy stuff to have someone completely dependent on me. I'm not always at the top of my game. Sometimes I'm lost in a book or a poem, or coloring, cutting and pasting. Sometimes I'm just lost. I'm lost a lot. But somewhere I'm getting the ability to take care of her.

TINY MUSES

It's always a joy to get a package from Sherl at Tiny Muses (www.etsy.com and search tinymuses). She has the most wonderful things in her shop. They come wrapped in blue tissue paper tied with white ribbon. The little packages are as much fun as the contents. These are some of the things in my latest package from Tiny Muses.

The little packages are so pretty.

Each piece is a treasure.

Sometimes, things come in little boxes.

This little quilt top is so sweet. I wonder who made it and was it for someone very special. I think it was.

The gondola was Olivia's favorite.

I wonder who this little frame belonged to and was it treasured. I'm sure it was.

A BETTER DAY

Mama has had a better day today. The nurse brought the pain patches this morning and that has helped her immensely. She has slept a lot but it is better to sleep that writhe in pain. The nurses suspect her leg or hip may be broken but finding out and fixing it would be far more painful that what she is going through now.

I have been surprised at how clear her speech and thinking has been. I was afraid the medicine would cause her be confused. She was able to talk on the phone a little and hasn't been confused hardly at all.

I haven't been able to breathe well for days. It's wearing me down.

Tomorrow I'm going out to see if the crocus are blooming in the flower bed.

PAIN

My mother has had a lot of pain today, both her leg and her head. We had to increase her medicine and it seems to have taken the edge off but not really has let her sleep soundly. She is miserable. Tomorrow the nurse will try someting different.

Olivia is here tonight. She has been asleep for a long time, she had a good day at school and went home with a little friend to play. She came in with a strawberry guitar and was thrilled.

I've had a few days of reading drought. I'm behind on my Bible reading as well as everything else I've been reading. But I can catch it up if I can get my mind cleared.

I keep coughing and can't breathe. It all started when I got chocked on my Multigrain Cheerios a few days ago.

I haven't worked on my Black Orchid Poems today. Maybe tomorrow.

HOSPICE

This has been a day with emotions running in every direction. I didn't go to sleep until 6 am. My mind just wouldn't settle. I had scheduled an appointment for Hospice to come here to discuss the direction to take in caring for Mama. Somehow, guilt squeezed it's way into my head, although I knew that was ridiculous. Hospice used to be called only when the patient was near death. But now that is not the case, it is available at any time a person needs home care. I just felt like having Hospice was giving up. When I did finally go to sleep, I was dead to the world. I knew Anna Ruth and Naomi were here and would take care of Mama. I knew I didn't have to listen for her. The nurses came at 10 sharp, me still asleep, in my pajamas. I jumped up, (sleeping on the couch), and asked them to give me a minute to dress, they said why, it was just them. So at the beginning I was put at ease, which set the tone for the rest of the visit. They were able to answer my questions and even answer questions I didn't know I wanted to ask. We found we had a lot in common, cats. We all love cats. So how could it go wrong.

I feel more equipped to keep Mama here until she dies. The support system gives me a lot of options. They provide the resources for me to handle whatever comes our way in caring for her. Already the nurses have provided me with medication to help manage her pain so she has been able to get some rest, without side effects. She did well with her speech and did quite a bit of talking. She popped a few jokes and we had some laughs. What more can I ask.

OUIET

The house is really quiet. There's been a lot of noise lately. Last night was noisy, I couldn't sleep. The tv was on, cats were jumping and hanging on the screen, trucks were rattling down the road, the washer, dryer and dishwasher were doing their jobs, I was coughing. Today has been no quieter, until now. Tracy came to clean, the vacuum was vacuuming, dishes were rattling, commodes flushing, phones ringing, dust was flying (I know, I know, dust isn't noisy), people talking, cats meowing.

Then it all came to a standstill. The house is cleaned, Mama is sleeping, the cats are sleeping in their favorite places, things are just quiet. Quiet is good.

This quiet reminds me of other quiet days. When I was a little girl I visited my old cousins, Essa Cova. Their house was usually quiet. Afternoons almost always found us napping. I can see myself on the daybed in the side room. In summer the windows would be open, I could hear the whippoorwill or the bob white entertaining themselves as well as me, the clock ticking, then striking. Occasionally, an airplane would fly overhead, making the unmistakable sound that planes make in the summer. During the winter, the fireplace would crackle and the logs would shift, stirring up little puffs of smoke and ash.

Days that I stayed home from school were quiet. Both as a student and as a teacher, days home were filled with silence. I liked the tv off, just enjoying the non-noise time. My mother would put a clean, cool sheet on the couch, tucking it in under the cushions, pulling it tight. I would stay like that for hours, sometimes, reading. I did the same for my children and grandchildren.

This quiet will soon be gone along with all the other quiet. I hope it doesn't stay away too long.

HECTIC DAYS

It's been a hectic few days. Mama has not improved since her doctor visit. Yesterday we thought she was going to rally but then fell back. She can't put any weight on her feet or push up with her arms. She feet and legs hurt as well as her head. I am leaving her in bed since she lists to the left and it difficult for her to maintain herself in her chair. She has a mattress that changes her position to protect her skin. She calls for me if I leave the room. Her level of confusion causes her to repeat and forget what she has asked or said. Then she gets aggravated at me when I don't know who or what she is talking about. I try to answer her with what I think she wants to hear but that doesn't seem to work either.

Hydrating her hasn't seemed to improve her condition nor has the antibiotic, although there hasn't been enough time for that.

She does say funny, appropriate things in moments of clarity. So maybe by tomorrow she will improve.

Olivia spent the night and Mama always enjoys her.

I've been sick so that makes it hard for me to keep up with everything. But I think I starting to be on the mend.

DOCTOR APPOINTMENT

We took Mama to the dr today. We decided to bring her home instead of the hospital. I think we can hydrate her and give her antibiotic here. I would have put her in hospital if Dr. Cole had said I should. She is sleeping now and has most of the day.

Mama doesn't like cats, or animals for that matter. But I love cats and have lots of them. Sadie, our oldest cat, a calico, mostly likes me. She is a rescue cat and I have taken good care of her. Recently, Sadie has taken to sleeping with Mama. Mama tries to run her out of the bed but she is insistent. She wants to get as close to Mama as she can, curling up against her legs, purring, sleeping. Since Mama isn't feeling well, she isn't running her away. When I do something for Mama, Sadie walks around on the bed, wanting to get close to Mama's face, it's like she is worrying over her. Sadie purrs and purrs. When I am finished, Sadie curls up against her legs again. I wonder what Sadie knows that we don't know.

I'm afraid my throat is getting sore. I sure don't need that.

I'm soon going to take to my bed and read. Maybe sleep a bit too.

BAD DAY

Mama has had a terrible day, the worst. She finally relaxed enough to go to sleep around 9 pm. She has felt bad all day, confused, talking constantly, wanting to go home, wanting to call her mother. This is the saddest of all, wanting to call her mother and being upset because I won't let her. She cried for a long time. I just told her we would keep trying but that didn't make it any better. I just couldn't tell her she was dead.

Her body is more rigid than usual, she can't bend her body into a normal sitting position, which makes it difficult for her to sit in a chair. We have a lift chair that reclines almost flat so that is helpful.

To make matters worse, I let her fall out of the bed at 3 this morning. I couldn't get her up to the potty chair so pushed her back on the bed, with her head at the foot. I ran upstairs to get Hubby and when I got to the top of the stairs I heard Mama hit the floor. I didn't put up the rail. I don't know how I could have done such a thing. She bloodied her nose and now is sore all over. At 6 am she had another nose bleed and also was congested and spit up a lot of blood. I had to call my aunt to come help me. Hubby is usually away on Thursday but came home tonight. I am very glad he is here. I couldn't have made it without him here.

Mama sees the doctor tomorrow. The nurse said I should take her to the hospital but I didn't. But if Dr. Cole says she should go I will abide by his recommendation. He hasn't been wrong yet.

So now the house is quiet except for the washer, dryer, dishwasher and the computer keys.

BLACK ORCHID POEMS

LETTERS

Today Mama has been more confused than ever. She wants to write letters, which is something she has done all of her life. But letter writing is out of her realm now. Macular Degeneration makes it impossible for her read or write. She wants to make lists and then wants me to read them read them back to her. I can't do this for her. It is very frustrating for her.

She is also more rigid than usual and her whole body trembles. I have no idea what is going on with her but it is something major.

I'm at a loss as to how to handle some of this. I don't like to see her so agitated, she is miserable. Nothing soothes her. It is so sad for her.

NO SLEEP

I was awake all night last night. No real reason, just couldn't sleep. Lots of things rolling around in my brain. Those night things are still rolling around in my head.

This is one of those feeling overwhelmed days. My shoulder and back are about to give out on me. I try to lift and pull Mama in the right way but sometimes I can't. I know I nearly pull Mama's shoulder sockets out too. But it is either that or let her fall. That's not an option. No broken bones so far and I intend to keep it that way. Keeping her skin in good shape is the biggest challenge.

I'm cooking a sirloin tip roast and navy beans. I have potatoes left from last night. So with a little cornbread, it's supper.

I need to be lost in a book. I just need to be lost.

SOME THINGS GONE WRONG

I napped most of the day, which has made me feel better. Now if I could just sleep tonight. Maybe I will soon.

Mama hasn't had a very good day. She seems to be having trouble sitting straight, listing to the left. When she walks on the walker she leans to the left and can't seem to stand straight. No matter how much we prop her up she still leans over. Her words have been mixed up, the sequence messed up. I have so much trouble knowing what she is telling or asking me. I hate to ask her to repeat but sometimes it is necessary. It aggravates her. I can't blame her, I know it is hard for her.

I've also been letting Mama eat food. I know better but she wants it so bad. I never let her have much but... Now she isn't able to drink broth and even the custard isn't going down. I'm sure she needs her esophagus cleaned out. Dr. Riccio will kill me. I think she needs the feeding tube replaced too. She will not be thrilled.

Time and sequence give Mama lots of trouble. I have taken away her clock since it causes her to obsess about time. She hasn't realized it is gone. If she asks for it I will plug it in for her.

She wanted to go to Sunday School this morning but just wasn't able. I wouldn't be comfortable with leaving her for an hour. I'm not sure she could hold herself up in the wheel chair for that long. And I don't want to leave her when she is confused.

It's time for me to go to bed to read.

COMMENTS

Now I have taken off the comment feature and have no idea how to put it back on. :o(

FRIDAY

It's Friday. And it's been long week. We had more snow. It was so pretty. Some of it is still on the ground but the warmer weather is melting it right away, leaving us with mud.

It's been a somewhat hard week for Mama. She hasn't slept very well and has been restless during the day. We did take her out on Thursday but that seemed to make her more restless. I guess maybe it reminded her of going places and doing things. She was never one to stay home or to just sit. She was busy, cooking, doing things for other people. Of course, she did sit and read. Sometimes for hours and hours.

Now she sits all the time. I try to get her up to move around but she gets weak so quickly. I feel so bad that she has so much time to while away. Due to her confusion it is often hard to keep her engaged in conversation. I hate for her to be bored, but I know she is.

Olivia is here tonight and that brightens Mama's day. She always likes it when any of the children are here. So do I. They make me really happy.

I have eaten a lot of peanut butter eggs today. Why did I do it?

COMMENTS

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VALENTINES

These valentines were sent to my mother by her friend, Louella. She was thrilled with them. I read them to her and she looked at them in the light. They are just wonderful.

My mother and her brother, Joe

A BETTER DAY, MOSTLY

Today has been a better day than yesterday. This morning, Mama woke up feeling better and seemed more herself. She talked a lot without much confusion, even laughed and made a few jokes. We had banana bread for breakfast, along with Mama's tube feeding. Of course, the bread made her sick but she loved it anyway. We had a quiet day, signing and addressing valentines, she likes to sign them herself, then I address them. I know it is difficult to read her writing but she likes to do it, so I think she should. I left her alone to do mail them and when I got back home she was calling for me, calling me "Mama", she had forgotten I had gone. I don't often leave her but she was anxious for the valentines to be mailed. She was so confused and looked totally different. I think she has "incidents" and has them often. Usually it takes a long time for her to recover and each time she recovers less or more slowly.
This afternoon she has been worried about the days of the week. She can't get them straight but it seems to be important to her so we repeat them. The afternoon also found her miscalling names, more than usual, as well as mixed up on the sequence of age of the girls.
I know it is terrible for her to unable to pull up names and ages of all of us. It is a real source of stress. The more she tries, the more difficult it is for her. I try to answer her questions but that usually leads to more confusion and questions.
I feel like I don't keep her entertained but I run out of things for her to do or talk about that she can maintain. If I tell her too many things she gets them all jumbled, which leads to a whole 'nother level of confusion.

SNOW PRINTS

YEAH! SNOW

Tonight we are getting pretty snow. It is falling into an even pattern, covering the cars and the ground. The cats are leaving their footprints all around the back door and on the front porch. Not the house cats, though, all six of them are nestled in beds, on the couch, looking for the warmest, driest places they can find. Sadie will want to sleep with Mama, she will not want her there though. Poor Sadie, she is so still and doesn't bother anything. When Mama gets to sleep, Sadie finds her way to the foot of the bed and usually sleeps there all night.

Today was Hubby's birthday. We had a good time. We've had lots of birthdays together.

I went to Goodwill today and made some great underwear pictures. Also found some great lace and meat platters.

Jeanie and I had lunch at Olive Garden. It's a good thing we went today since it is snowing tonight. By the end of the week we should be able to lunch again.

SATURDAY

I napped away most of today. Also did some reading, which is what I'll do most of the night. I'm close to finishing SECRETS OF EDEN and want to see how it ends.

Our snow wasn't pretty. Maybe the next one will be. I love the snow scenes in DC.

Mama has had a good day today. She has also napped some. She ate some supper and it didn't make her sick. She has a new mattress and I think it helps her sleep better. It is made to relieve pressure points. It fills with air and has a little movement in it, I think it would be nice for sleeping. Which is what it is for, duh.

I guess I'll have to cook something tomorrow.

SNOW

We are getting a little piddlin' snow here. I wish we were getting it like DC. It would just be so pretty and interesting.

I lost my iPhone today but got a call from Walmart that someone had turned it in. Makes me very happy. I have lots of things saved on it. I'll miss sleeping with it tonight.

I'm trying to change my background and template but can't seem to do it. I wish I had live in commuter help. I can't even read the directions.

NOT SLEEPING

Late night finds me awake and unable to sleep again. I would like to be able to go to bed and just go to sleep but that never happens. No matter how tired I am I still wake up at night.

My mother has always been a night owl too but now she starts thinking about going to bed early. She isn't sleepy, she just thinks she should go to bed in case we want to do something. I don't want her to go to bed and not go to sleep. She worries and things get in her mind that aren't right at all. Then it is almost impossible to get her to understand that everything is ok. I hate for her to worry and be uneasy.

Only 3 of the cats are in tonight. The other 3 wanted to go out. Sadie wants to sleep with Mama. If she wakes up and finds her there she will try and run her away. Sometimes that isn't easy.

THEODOSIA ROBERTS HALE

My great great grandmother, Theodosia Roberts Hale

November 20, 1830-November 2, 1917

She lived, died and is buried less than a mile from my house. She thinks she is me and I think so too. We drive by her home seat every few days. She had 3 children, Nancy Arthusa, John Wellington and Jane. The exact site of her grave has been lost but my mother remembers the general area from going with her grandmother to put flowers on the graves on Decoration Day. New graves now fill the area. But that's another story.

SUNDAY

I've spent a lot of today telling Mama the days of the week. I can only imagine the turmoil that she must go through trying to get things straight. She has had trouble remembering today is Sunday and also trying to get the days in the right order.

Sometimes it is hard for me to maintain the repetition of Mama's forgetting. I sometimes want to just tell her it doesn't matter or not to worry about whatever it is that she can't remember. But then I know it is important to her. I know myself how maddening it is to not be able to think of a name or a word, it will be on the tip of my tongue. Mama has this feeling all the time. I try to tell her everything she asks me. Over and over.

John Michael and Olivia were here for a while tonight. Mama likes for them to come. She enjoys it when any of the children are here. Children do have a way of brightening a room. I wish we could see them all every day. Susan and John Michael, we want to see you too.

I've neglected reading today but the night is young. I'm still reading the Book of Exodus. Also reading SECRETS OF EDEN by Chris Bohjalian. And other things here and there, depending where I am in the house.

Tomorrow I aim to get back to my watercolour art journal, shelve some books, sort some pictures. Might even do the dishes.

JANE

Jane has gone and I miss her a lot. I liked having her here. We did a lot of talking and laughing and, of course, shed some tears. Mama seemed to have trouble remembering who Jane is and their relationship. Jane is her brother's daughter. She has a brother, Joe. Her brother, Billy, died in 1965. His wife was and the mother of Joe and Jane is Anna Ruth. She helps me a lot. When Mama was in the hospital she cancelled everything and stayed at the hospital at least every other night. Mama talks to her on the phone a few times every day. Most of the time it is hard to follow Mama conversations on the phone. She tends to say things backwards and lately her receptive language is the same way. This makes talking with her difficult. I feel so bad for her since this is confusing to her, to say the least.

More and more, Mama wants me to stay in the room with her. She worries when I am out of her sight. She thinks I have gone to bed and left her or maybe I left the house. I always try to tell her when I'm going out of the room but she often forgets. She needs a lot of reassurance and reminders of what is happening around her. She thinks she is in our way. She isn't.

Now that Jane is gone, Mama is worrying that she didn't know who she was while she was here. We continually reminded her but now she has lost all of that. She wasn't even nice to Jane all the time which is totally out of character for my mother. But Jane understood although it made her sad.

I try really hard to keep Mama from being stressed and sad but it is hard for her. I'm always looking for ways to make her more comfortable.

A VISITOR

My cousin is here visiting my mother. Well, me too. We are having a really good time. It is good for Mama to have her here. They have always been close and have spent many hours talking through the years.

Jane is a great storyteller. Her stories keep us in stitches. I still even laugh at the ones I have heard many times. In fact, they usually get funnier. Not to say she embellishes!

I'm having a lot of shoulder pain. I support Mama with my right arm more than the left and it is giving me trouble. She isn't able to get up, stand or walk alone. She can use a walker but only with help. Sometimes we use a small wheelchair when she is too weak to use the walker. I use the chair when I'm here by myself since I can't get her up without help. She had some physical therapy recently that has helped her get out of her chair and walk a bit better. She can push herself up some and that does help me. Hubby is a constant help.

She has days of clarity but more days of confusion that stems from the effects of the brain tumor. The mental stress for me is far more demanding than the physical. I try to keep her as stress free as possible. She loses her words or can't find the word she needs which is aggravating to her. I do my best to anticipate what she is trying to say but it is becoming more difficult. It frustrates her when I don't know what she wants to say or if I can't tell who she is talking about. But considering she is 91 and all the medical maladies she has had, I guess she does fairly well.

I have learned that there is nothing I can't do. I would never have thought this when I was younger. But somehow I manage to take care of my mother.

NAMES

I've had lots of names. When I was little I stayed with two cousins who were in their 70's at the time. They called me Sugar Plum. They said I was the sweetest thing that lived. Yes, they did, and I have the letter to prove it. My Uncle B called me Skit, he had a lot of names for me, all of them affectionate. One of my cousins calls me Cousin, as I do her. Hubby and I have nicknames we call each other. My children called me Mommy, then mOm. My grandchildren call be Bubbe, which is Hebrew for Grandmother. I've been Alice, Alice Hale, Mrs. Adams, Justus Redfern.

One name I've never been called is Mama. I always called my mother, Mama. But now at age 63 I am called Mama. At night, my mother calls me Mama. She doesn't do it during the day but as soon as she settles in to sleep she begins to call me Mama. She gets up several times in the night to go to the bathroom and always wakes me up calling for Mama. At first, it was a bit disconcerting but as time has gone by it has become so common as to be acceptable. Our roles have reversed in so many ways, as I expected it would. But I wasn't prepared for this reversal, that I become Mama by name.

She is always apologetic when she wakes me up or more likely, I'm not asleep. She hates to bother me, she says. I get her up and out of bed, she asks me if I have go to the bathroom, that I better go. Then we start to get her back in bed and she worries that I won't go back to sleep. I assure her I will or that I'm up reading. She usually chuckles when I tell her I'm reading or will say, Surely not. She wants to know where I am and if I'm warm. Even though she calls me Mama, that role has not changed, she worries about my every comfort. She has a real need to know where I am when she goes to bed. I know it makes her insecure to be in the room by herself, she knows I'm close though.

I start my days as Alice but end them as Mama.

01 02 2010

Patti Digh posted on her facebook status that today is Palindrome Day. 01 02 2010

I just love that sort of thing.



The girls are making brownies, one in oven another ready. (brownies in oven, not the girls) We have pizza ordered. Going to church tonight, Ritzy's afterward. I am hoping they still have peppermint milk shakes. They have the best ones ever. I just don't understand why peppermint ice cream is seasonal. I like it all the time.

01 January 2010

I just don't know how it got to be the year 2010. That sounds so far in the future, yet here is where I find myself. 63 years old, way too tired.

I've now completed one full year of care giving with my mother. Her frailties became more prominent in August 2008. She was in the hospital from August 14-October 3, 2008. During this time she got a feeding tube and had surgery for a brain tumor. When it was time for her to leave the hospital we got all the supplies to care for her at home. We have managed to keep her out of the hospital even though she has had several poorly spells.

I'm reading BLOODROOT by Amy Greene. I started it before Christmas but had to lay it aside. Now I'm half way through it and loving it. I intend to read and read during 2010. Even though I read a lot last year there were times I wasn't lost in a book. I want to stay lost most of the time. Clem & Trixie is almost copied. Justus is writing about Leticia Clotsworthy. I wrote a poem the other day. It's going to be a year of words.

I'm also going to attempt to read the Bible again in 2010, a chronological edition. I haven't done that. I'll have to see how it goes. Well, I know how it goes, just have to see if I like to read it like that.

We ate all the food that is supposed to be eaten on New Year's Day. I cooked so does this mean I will cook all year!!