LEAVING OUT

We gathered in and now they have all left out for home. Mama is napping in the book room, Hubby and I are watching tv. The washer and dryer are working in a frenzy. The dishwasher is waiting to be unloaded. The rabbit is eating, the cats all somewhere sleeping.

I thought I would never get ready for Christmas yet now it is over. I finally slept for a few hours this morning and came back to life. I fried potatoes that Hubby peeled. We drank lots of our favorite punch.

In the morning I'm taking the tree down and putting away everything Christmas. I might even do it tonight.

GATHERING IN

Susan and the girls are here tonight. I'm glad they are here. Now we just have to finish shopping and wrapping. It will soon be over. I've never been so unprepared for Christmas. But we'll have a good time anyway. At least, I hope.

ORDERING STUFF

Never before have I ordered so many things for Christmas. My shopping trips have all but come to a halt. Now I'm anxious that everything won't arrive on time. But, maybe.

I have no idea what we will eat, chili, spaghetti, omelets. We'll drink lots of coke and 7UP. Peppermint ice cream.

Most of all we will have fun.

PUTTING MY MOTHER TO BED

I've just put my mother to bed. We stayed up late, me wrapping a few packages, her going through cards that she couldn't see. We talked a lot, both of us repeating ourselves, she can't hear and neither can I. Laughing at ourselves is our way of coping. She worries about the gifts she is giving her friends, I took her shopping, I assure her everything she has will be fine. She has chosen things that she thinks they will like, no just throwing things in a bag. I mailed two packages for her yesterday, she was grateful they were on their way. It stresses her that I do so many things for her, tells me I am killing myself, that I shouldn't have to spend my time doing for her. I tell her it is fine, there is nothing I can't do. It is the truth. Well, on the other hand, there are those teeth.

I was ready for bed before her, usually she goes first, she has been feeling bad and has been going to bed by 8 or so. I told her I thought it was time we called it a night. I helped her get her things in the baskets by her chair, her emery boards, tweezers, cough drops, glasses, kleenex, her pen, cards, her bag of snacks from Jane, her hat. She thinks she should go to the bathroom. She has trouble getting out of the chair, telling me not to pull on her, that I will hurt my back. She is so very feeble, I tell her to stand up a bit straighter and get closer to the walker, we head across the floor. I help her along, steering her clear of obstacles and we get to the bathroom. She catches the leg of the walker on the door facing but we get turned and head for the toilet. She always gets ready before I get ready, wants to sit too soon, as she does in her chair or the car, but I get her settled. The feel of her skin and the smell of her shock me, as they always do. Dry, thin skin, so easily bruised, ginger lotion I keep on her elbows and arms. I have her change her clothes, she tells me she is fine, but I change her anyway. I can't stand the thought of her being uncomfortable.

We go to the bedroom which is really the book room. She can barely make it, she can't see where she is going, I get in front of her and pull her along. It takes a few tries to get settled in the bed but she gets herself fixed and I straighten her covers. She wants her water, trash can, and kleenex. Ready for sleep now. I don't put her rails up anymore, I know she can't get out of bed by herself.

I sleep in the room with her, we are surrounded by books. Stanley and Livingstone are within reach, I can go to the source of the Nile, read about tents, long for Jerusalem, dream of going to Petra, fight the Civil War, walk side by side with Vine. Books are my comfort, my Hindman family linger on the shelves, finally I can rest.

But just as I turn off the light, after reading, I hear her. She is fitful, talking in her sleep, although I can't catch what she is saying. She coughs, groans, sounds congested, I worry I will go to sleep and not hear her if she calls me, although I always hear her.

Now I am wide awake, it's after 1 am, December 19. How have I come to this point in my life. What do I do now.

WILL I EVER BE READY?

I'm sure I'll forget all the stress I have just thinking about Christmas. But tonight I can't see it happening. I would like for it to all come together and be over. Whatever will I feed everybody! I have lots of things to write about tonight but my mind won't work. The house is quiet except for the computer keys. Even the rabbit is sleeping.

Outside, the snow is still on the ground, the air cold. It was so pretty last night as it fell. I kept going to the back door to watch. The cats weren't so thrilled though. Sadie, Lydia and Abby are all sleeping in the house. No doubt the outside cats are in the basement, curled up and warm.

62

I'm 62 years old today. How did this happen?

SPARKLES

I refuse to be totally rattled with Christmas preparations. I think I have figured out a way to put up the tree and just have to move one piece of furniture. The rabbit will stay by the tree. I'm sure he will be thrilled.
I would like to have the lights around the porch but that is being way too optimistic. A small tree in the book room window will have to do. I'm slowly turning the hall into a studio. I like to go there late at night, my stresses seem to melt away, but just for a while.
I'm anxious to get out my favorite Christmas things, mostly old, a lot of them handmade by the girls.
I like sparkly things, I didn't always, but now sparklies are my favorite. Especially at Christmas.

FEEDING TUBE

My mother has a feeding tube and depends on it for her nutrition. She isn't pleased to have it and rolls her eyes when she sees me coming toward her with her feeding. The comment is always the same, I bet you are thrilled to have to do this. I assure her it is fine, I don't mind. And I don't. She has been having some pain , which we are addressing, but it aggravates her. Tonight she said she was going to pull it out, I told her she would be back in the hospital, she said she wouldn't go.

Then she said, "I'm getting fed up with this feeding tube."

I'm still laughing.

JANE

Jane wins a give away. So, Jane, watch your mailbox.

Jane, the original Cosmic Possum, sent me a guardian possun just when I needed it most. Around 10 pm I would often see him, bravely eating cat food at the back door, looking up at me when I turned on the light. The cats just eat with him. I have well fed cats and a well fed possum.

300th POST

This is my 300th post. If I had any readers I would have a give away.

LOOKING BRIGHTER

Things look brighter to me this morning. I've calmed considerably. I have three hours to write and read. I can hide away upstairs, not answer the phone or listen to any noise.

OUT OF SORTS

It's one of those being at loose ends nights. My brain is addled, my body is bruised. I would love to take an ambien and go to sleep but it would make me sleep too soundly. To make matters worse, there are no cokes in the house.

WHAT SHE EATS

My mother has been released from physical therapy, even though she can't get up by herself. That's not to say she hasn't made progress. We have the option of going for therapy but I can't get her out of the house without help. She will continue to do her exercises here at home.
Even with her collapsed esophagus, I fed her hummus and Triscuits with rosemary and olive oil. It made her sick but she said it was well worth it.
The morning dreariness has given way to sunshine causing the leaves to glow, the glow before the cold.

A NEW ADDITION

There is a new addition to my porch this morning:
*1 mouse, dead

THE THINGS ON MY FRONT PORCH

I'm sitting on my front porch. I have the laptop, a coke, and 8 mini Snickers. I'm laughing at all the things on the porch.
These are the things I see:
*A wooden porch swing hanging by chains and springs, bounces nicely
*4 pillows, ragged
*long wire rabbit cage, empty
*short rabbit cage with purple bottom, also empty
*1 large white goose, not real
*exercise bicycle, unused
*1 pumpkin
*1 hummingbird feeder, empty
*1 flower pot, empty
*1 metal plant stand
*wind chimes
*1 rake
*1 toddler bicycle, on its side
*1 red cat dish
*1 discarded Tupperware bowl used to feed cats
*1 wooden glider, bought for $10 at St. Vincent de Paul
*1 green glider cushion, stained
*1 McDonald's french fry bag, empty
*1 chicken nugget box, empty
*1 half-full Mountain Dew bottle
*1 McDonald's Happy Meal sack, crumpled
*1 plastic glass
*1 lounge chair with pad
*1 wooden school desk
*1 deer skull, broken, scattered, stolen from the back porch of the Methodist parsonage
*4 bricks, broken
*2 rocks
*4 floor mats, various sizes
*1 rug, folded
*1 children's swing, handmade
*8 cats, on and around the porch
*leaves
*Snickers wrappers
*empty coke bottle

TUESDAY

My day began with Mama working herself out of the bed, between the rail and the foot board. There she was, on the floor. She doesn't seem any worse for wear.
The physical therapist came today and was very helpful with showing me how to get Mama up and down without pulling her arms out of the sockets. That could be important.
Susan and the girls are coming tomorrow, we are anxious to see them. Olivia will be in school and we will miss her.
Leah called last night to tell us she has lost her first tooth. Susan said it was the last time she could say that her child had lost her first tooth.
We finally got some rain today. The wind blew just enough to blow leaves off the trees and let them fall softly to the ground where they will protect the herbs all winter. I had to let the herbs and flowers go to seed but that may be good for them when they wake up in the spring. A mum has bloomed in the round bed in the middle of the driveway, I don't remember planting it there. Mingled with the mum is a miniature, white rose bush, they look lovely together.

I JUST THOUGHT I KNEW

I have come to realize that I just thought I knew what it means to be tired. I know now that I've never been really tired before. Every little nerve in my head hurts and my back is on borrowed time. But I'm happy to report that Mama had all of her feedings today, all of her medicine, got a bath, had the PICC flushed, walked twice, listened to music, talked on the phone, had a few little forbidden snacks and now is in bed and may be asleep. I hate to wake her up to see if she is sleeping.
Clem & Trixie got left out again today. Tomorrow for sure, Clem & Trixie, I haven't forgotten you.

WINDING THE CLOCK

We've made it through Saturday. Nothing terrible has happened, Mama is fed, medicated, and in bed. Not sleeping, we're talking. She's asking me questions, I'm saying yes, no, I don't know, I have no idea. She rephrases and I still have no idea.
I've learned how to flush the PICC line and how to dispose of needles. I haven't disposed of any but I know how it is done.
My legs feel like I am dragging around tires tied to my ankles, my shoulders are bent, my back is, well let's just say I know where it hurts.
I've neglected Clem & Trixie for a few days. On Sunday they will have my attention. Clem is learning new words, he loves words. Trixie is managing to keep out of the sewing room. Ambrosia is having trouble with her leg. Trixie's mother is cutting quilt pieces. Trixie is looking the other way. Clem is looking at Trixie.
I haven't seen the guardian possum for two nights but I'm sure he has been at the back door for his late night supper of cat food or left-over pork chops.
The clock is striking midnight, about 5 minutes late. I love to hear it strike. When I was a little girl visiting Essa Cova I listened to their clocks, one upstairs, one downstairs. They were never exactly on the same time. Before we went to bed the clocks were wound. Cova wound the downstairs clock and Essa the one upstairs. I usually helped wind the clocks. I'll wind my clock before I go to sleep and move the hand up 5 minutes or so. I hope I hear it strike every hour.
I think Mama has gone to sleep, she has stopped talking to me and is breathing evenly. She won't sleep for long, soon will be up to the bathroom. She will tell me how sorry she is to wake me and how she hates for me to do things for her. I don't know how to reassure her that it is okay. Maybe she knows.

...and it was midnight after the first day

My mother and I had an uneventful trip home from the hospital, I drove and she slept. I couldn't get her up the steps to the porch without help from our neighbor across the street. She went straight to the bed and promptly went back to sleep and slept all afternoon. I kept checking on her, feeling secure the rails that I thought were high enough would keep her in the bed should she wake. I stuck my head in the door to find her in the floor, the heater turned over. I called John Wayne and he got her up and on the potty chair. She said she wasn't hurt and I think she's okay. She wanted to go back to bed. But first she had to have her feeding. The only problem was me leaving the water in the kitchen, Mama had to hold the tube while I went to get the container of water. Back to sleep for Mama. Around 9 she woke up again, came to the living room and rubbed my feet. Time for another feeding and Tylenol. This went fine until I had to go get more water. I had Mama hold the tube. When I got back with the water she was holding the tube but it had come loose and was the feeding was draining out. Thankfully I had covered her with a waterproof pad. We did not do well in the bathroom so it is the potty chair for now. I had to wake JW to get her out of the bathroom.
Now we are abed, me in the reading bed, her in the hospital bed. We are both awake, talking about this and that. She is cold and covered up head and ear. I'm hot and have the fan blowing in my face.
The book room is our sleeping place, we are surrounded by books, words, thoughts, recollections, poems, signatures, green wallpaper with little pink flowers, book shelves all around. When I was picking out wallpaper for the house I asked her if she liked this green paper for the book room. She said it didn't make any difference to her. I told her she better choose one she liked because it might be on the walls of the room where she would die. And so it shall be.
It's after midnight and the beginning of the second day. My mother and I have come full circle. She is my child.
Without JW I could not do this nor anything that has come before. He is my strength, my enabler, the hand that is always there to catch me.

GETTING READY

Mama will be coming home from the hospital tomorrow so I'm getting ready. The hospital bed will be here anytime and, surprisingly, I have a place for it to sit. Right now the book room only has three pieces of furniture, a desk, lateral file, and the reading bed. That will soon change but for now I look in there with amazement. Maybe it would be nice to live in a house with very little furniture and no stuff. I do like my stuff though.

HOSPITAL ROOMS

I've spent a lot of nights in hospital rooms since August 14. That is the day my mother entered the hospital. Since that day she has had a feeding tube inserted and had her brain tumor removed. She also was given too much dilantin which nearly killed her. We can see a lot of improvement although she still has a lot of recovering ahead of her.
My reading has suffered since I have trouble concentrating. I'm sure I will make it up later. I have managed to do some writing which has been my therapy.
Jeanie reminded me today that it feels like winter and it is getting dark all to early. I dread having to wear coats and shoes.

HINDMAN

Last week was the writer's workshop in Hindman. It was as good a week as I expected, even better. The mountains protected me, the rain comforted and the writers encouraged. I listened, talked, read, wrote, laughed, cried, ate, walked, rocked, slept, dreamed, sang (quietly), learned. Most importantly, I spent time with some of my favorite people in the world. I'm missing them.

SUSAN & LIAT

EIGHT TRUTHS & ONE LIE

CHANGING PLACES

When I was a little girl my mother always made me a warm bed and tucked me in when I was sick. She didn't wander far from where I was resting. Good things to eat would appear on the tv tray beside me, kool-aid, peas, lemon ice box pie. Books were read to me, even as I grew older. My every want was gratified. In many ways she is still doing these very same things. She cooks me food, rubs my eyelids and tickles my feet. But things are changing. Today I made her a warm bed. Elizabeth helped her with her pajamas, buttoning and straightening. She helped her cover up, making sure her shoulders were tucked in. Mama is sleeping now. I'm just around the corner. I've made lemon jello in the case she might be able to eat some. Maybe later, I'll rub her eyelids.

POPSICLE TONGUES

KITTIES

Cats just naturally congregate to our house. I'm sure the bowls of Meow Mix help them know where to come. This gray cat had kittens here last year and two of them are still here. Now she has three more. She has just brought them out from under the house. The mama cat has always been very afraid but now she has calmed a lot. I'm sure she knows that she is save and will be fed. Elizabeth was able to pet her today. Her kittens are so cute. I like the one with the black nose.

TWINS

These baby birds each have their own window on the world.

YUMMY WORMS

This tree in our front yard is the home for baby birds every spring. The limb broke in a storm but we leave it as it is becuase we like it so much. So do the birds. This mother bird works in a frenzy all day feeding her babies.

DAISIES

Created for Write Place Write Time under the direction of Teresa McFayden

WHAT TO READ NEXT

With a houseful of books, I have nothing to read. The last book I read - SKELETONS at the FEAST by Chris Bohjalian. It is one of those hard to follow books. It has seeped itself into my head. I'm aching for a sequel set in Israel.

RABBIT FUR

Every night I get the rabbit out of his cage and he sits in my lap. We visit and I give him a good backrub . He clicks his teeth and is so happy. Tonight he seemed to be shedding a lot so I decided to brush him. And I did, at which time fur took flight. The more I tried to get it in the trash can the more it flew through the air. It was up my nose, all over the chair, floating through the air, stuck on the table and love seat, stuck to my hands and arms, covering my clothes. I have a hand held vacuum, the more I vacuumed the more it spread. I found a lint roller and captured some of it, then got it all over myself again when I had to tear off the sticky part of the lint roller. I did that several times. I put the rabbit back in the cage where he shook and scratched, releasing all the fur that I had dislodged with the brush. It is still furry here and there. The next brushing will take place outside!

DIGGING IN THE DIRT

I've been digging in the dirt. I've planted more petunias than anything else, pink, purple, white, yellow, more pink. The rabbit loves them so he should haveey petunias all summer. They are easy to keep blooming and always look pretty.
I love herbs. Most of the old ones came up and are growing. Today I planted two varieties of sweet basil. Nothing smells so wonderful as basil.
Digging in the dirt is my therapy. Dirt doesn't tall back, well, not exactly. Most things I plant tend to grow. They do like water, lots of water.
I don't like weeds. They like me though.

JOHN WELLINGTON HALE

John Hale died 83 years ago today. He was my great grandfather. I wish I could have known him. He was a photographer, jeweler, and a builder and installer of light plants. I have been told many times that he was a man far ahead of his time. I can only wonder what he would have made of the computer, no doubt he would have been wild about them. He loved his children and he was a good man.

BIRD BLOSSOMS

Tiny specks of birdseed
have found
their way
into the cracks
of our picnic table
where the lawn mower
stirred up
the dust that has settled
around the seed
to form a mixture
that even a drenching rain
failed to wash away
serving only
as the most important
ingredient
to form rows of blades
of greenery
growing toward the sun
I wonder
if they will bloom
boasting blossoms
the shape of birds

by Me

THE TRAIL OF MY MOTHER

Traipsing around with my mother is about like following Hansel and Gretel. I could never lose her, the trail she leaves always gives her away. This morning she had a doctor's appointment. Neither of us had eaten breakfast so I got biscuits, gravy for me, butter for her, and we ate in the car. When we got to the doctor's office Mama was sporting crumbs on her blouse and pants. Crumbs and pieces of napkins were under her when she got out of the car. Her mail was scattered on the seat and the floor was strewn with things from her purse.
She was her usual impatient self waiting to see the doctor. Our wait wasn't long but she said she was leaving if they didn't call her next. After her eyes were checked she had to wait for them to dilate. While we waited she rubbed my hand and I went sound asleep. The doctor told her she didn't seem to have any new problems.
I was so sleepy that we found a shady spot beside Pier 1 and we both took a nap. We decided to go to O'Charley's for lunch, mashed potatoes for her, potato skins for me.
On the way home we stopped at the Dollar Store. We got a few things and started home. I told her she needed to gather up her things from the seat and floor. She found papers, kleenex, coins, a nail file, peppermint candy, red hots, a rain hat (sunshine outside), and other odds and ends. While she was stuffing the rain hat in the side pocket of her purse, she pulled out a fork. She couldn't imagine where it came from. I finally figured out that it came from O'Charley's. She was just beside herself, said she was so embarassed. I told her nobody knew it but the two of us. She wanted to know if I would take it back the next time I was in Owensboro. I assured her that I would.
Mama was tired when we got home, we got her things in the house, and she took to the couch. She is probably still asleep.

TWO OF MY FAVORITE POEMS

FELIX CULPA

Too wet to plow, we climbed
the ridge where Jack-in-the-pulpit
and Fire pinks fringed woods' edge.

Spent of love, he lay crucified
across my Garden Path quilt, hat low
on his brow to shade the sun.

Stretched beside him, I thought his feet
the prettiest I ever saw on a man. Upright,
they framed the wet bottomland below.

Blue veins traced a mystery map
to his toes. I wiped them with the long towel
of my hair, woke him to adoration.

A cast of hawks rose on a draft
towing spring in their talons,
snaring us in a greening spiral.

I think of those elegant feet,
boot-shod, mud-logged, entrenched
below shell-plowed, fallow fields.

Summer fades, no word comes, I soon
harvest what he sowed before following war.
Tiny feet beat sad tattoos under my heart.

Preacher calls me Magdalene. I refute
him, knowing her wiser in her choosing,
blessed by loving, not damned.

-Jane Hicks
Jane read this poem to me at Hindman. I asked her to read it several times throughout the week. Even now, I find something new in it every time I read it. The poem is in her book, BLOOD AND BONE REMEMBER
-
AT REID HARTLEY'S JUNKYARD

To enter we find the gap
between barbed wire and briars,
pass the German Shepherd chained
to an axle, cross the ditch
of oil black as a tar pit,
my aunt compelled to come here
on a Sunday after church,
asking me when her husband
refused to search this island
reefed with past catastrophes.
We make our way to the heart
of the junkyard, cling of rust
and beggarlice on our clothes,
bumpers hot as a skillet
as we squeeze between car husks
to find in this forever
stilled traffic one Ford pickup,
tires stripped, radio yanked out,
driver's door open. My aunt
gets in, stares through glass her son
looked through the last time he knew
the world, as though believing
like others who come here she
might see something to carry
from this wreckage, as I will
when I look past my aunt's ruined
Sunday dress, torn stockings, find
her right foot pressed to the brake.

-Ron Rash
This poem is taken from Ron's book, RAISING THE DEAD. I first read it late one night at Hindman. I haven't recovered.

POEMS

I love poems. I don't know that I could choose a favorite one. There are so many that are such a part of my life.


When I was little I had poems read to me every night. I memorized them when I was in school. In the 5th grade we had to memorize SHE DWELT AMONG THE UNTRODDEN WAYS. One line in the poem read, When Lucy ceased to be. One of my classmates took the floor to take her turn reciting the poem and the said, When Cucy leased to be. Everybody just fell over laughing. The classmate cried and went home. I still think it's funny.

I've cried over many a poem. I loved every tear.

When You Are Old

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.
-- William Butler Yeats

HEADER

Much appreciation is offered for the use of the blog header from www.countingyourblessings.com. It is a beautiful blog. I visit it and find myself relaxing. Thanks and more thanks.

BLUE

In The Coal Tattoo, Silas House writes that Anneth was pinned to the mattress with sadness. Tonight I understand that so well. As I write this it is almost midnight. If not for Olivia coughing I would be unable to move. It's a good thing that she is keeping me up. I can remember coughing like this when I was her age, I can always remember coughing. I'm coughing tonight. When I was little I would cough all night, nothing seemed to help. I would be exhausted in the morning but my mother would send me to school, where I would cough all day. She meant well, she thought (and still thinks), that nobody should miss a day of school or work. I learned early on that she was wrong. Life goes on.
The cats are settled, the rabbit is snuggled in his box, Olivia seems to be sleeping, Hubby is fast asleep, just me awake. Looking out the window, I can't see a light on in any of the houses around us. The street light is on, after being out for several nights. I think I like it better dark.
By morning, my spirits will lift. I won't be so blue. At least, I will have to carry on as if the blues have left me or they were never with me at all. It will be my secret.

MELTED SNOW

The snow melted so fast that I have almost forgotten it was here. The snow was much more fun than the mud.

OLIVIA

VENTURING OUT

THE GIFT OF A QUILT

This quilt was given to me by my mother's friend who has moved to assisted living. It was made by her step-mother. It has some years on it. I know I shouldn't use it but it is the perfect quilt for wrapping up to read. My aunt tells me the pattern is Seven Sisters. I love all the little prints.

RAIN

The rain is making me sleepy. It's the perfect kind of rain, gentle, steady. Peaceful.

FEBRUARY 29

I think it would be fun to have my birthday on February 29. I meant to mail myself some envelopes today so I would have the postmark. I guess it can wait 4 more years.

R IS FOR ROBERT

I called my mother to ask her if she remembered the year that Bob came to Fordsville. She gave it some thought, tried to place it with other events in our life, but came to the conclusion that she wasn't sure of the year. So as far as I am concerned, he was just always here, no coming or leaving.
I have learned many things from Bob. He introduced me to Broadway music, gave me all of his albums (I still have them all), enabled me to love this music everyday of my life.
While I was in the 7th grade, Bob and my mother would pick me up from school and we would take off on a drive. I never knew where we might be going. Sometimes he would make us close our eyes while he drove fast, made turns, drove in reverse and gave us hints that had nothing to do with where we were going. Occasionally, he would make us wear blindfolds. The destination was always worth the trip, overlooks, riverbanks, hills, valleys, railroad beds, places to eat, visits with strange people. We were often lost, finding wonderful places on those unknown roads, looking for them later but not finding them.
Many nights our house would be full of Bob and his friends, playing guitars, singing, eating, Mama always fed well. My father would say we were all crazy and go to my grandmother's house and go to bed. One night my mother was playing the piano and Bob was reading a poem. As she changed the tempo Bob fell right in with his reciting. There are no words to tell how funny that was and it can never be recaptured. Maybe it was the same night of recitation that Bob said in a loud, clear, professional voice, "A is for navel."
Bob spent many nights at our house and bedtime was interesting. As we would all get settled, Bob or Mama would start to moo, the other would bark. Following a few moments of quiet, one of them would meow, the other respond with a neigh. After a few rounds of this my father would say we were all crazy and go to my grandmother's house and go to bed.
During this time Bob was attending seminary in Lexington. Every weekend he came to Fordsville as soon as his last class was over. He would come in the house telling us that he was going back to Lexington on Sunday as soon as he had eaten dinner. But then he needed a nap after eating and the hour would grow late. So he would decide to stay until Monday morning, but was going to leave early, telling Mama to wake him at the crack of dawn. We would barely get up in time for me to get to school. Then in the afternoon when I got out of school, there would be Bob and Mama to pick me up. He would say, "Now Little Sister, I'm leaving for Lexington as soon as I take you and your mother home." But Mama would tell him to come in and drink some limeade and have a tuna fish sandwich. Of course, at bedtime, more mooing, meowing, barking, neighing. Early on Tuesday morning I would hear him bustling around, bounding off the porch, slamming the car door, flooring the accelerator, gravel pelting the windows of the house. We knew he would roll into Lexington just barely in time for his first class. We waited for him to return on Friday.
In all the years since we have never lost touch, never farther away than an e-mail or a phone call.
I know that I have a big brother who is supportive and honest, listens, confides, guards my confidences, laughs, understands, grieves, applauds, shares, no matter my circumstance. For this, I am quite thankful.
So, Robert, as you read this, I'm glad to be your little sister.

FROM THIS...

...TO THIS

EYELIDS

My favorite thing about going to church is the ride home. I lay my seat back and Mama gives me a treatment. She rubs and scratches my head, paying special attention to one spot along my crown on the right side. Then she moves to my ears, revisiting my head all the while. My neck is next, straight down from my ears all the way around to the back of my neck and up the back of my head. Just recently, she has started rubbing my eyelids. I take off my glasses and I can feel her cool fingertips wisp across my skin. All my anguish falls away, my whole body relaxes, my only life is in my eyelids.

SADIE

ALL KINDS OF THINGS

All kinds of things have been happening. So many, in fact, that I can't keep up with them myself. First off, Susan got the flu and missed a week of school. Leah had a runny nose and couldn't go to day care so I went to Georgetown. Then Susan's flu goes into pneumonia. She misses more school. I came home on Friday, bringing Leah with me. We picked up Olivia in Owensboro and they both spent the night here. They had fun playing together. We had fun watching them.
Mama fell and cut her head. She bled all over the place but it wasn't a deep cut. Luckily, I had forgotten to put her blood thinner in her medicine box or the bleeding could have been a problem. She seems to be fine.
Leah went home Monday afternoon, just ahead of the bad weather. Mama, Olivia and I took her to Bardstown to meet her daddy. By the time we started home the snow had started. The closer we got to home the worse the weather was and the slicker the roads. When I turned in Mama's driveway I almost missed it, pushing her paper box in the ditch. We were glad to be home. Olivia said it wasn't any fun at all.
It's been cold, snowy and slick since Monday night. I filled the bird feeders. I don't like the blackbirds but I guess they are hungry too.
There are no children here tonight. I miss them.

THINGS THAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY

I substituted in 3rd grade yesterday. Leah was here so she went with me and had the most wonderful time. The third graders were participating in an awards ceremony. We all took our seats on the bleachers where the students soon brought to my attention a pile of something on the floor, with tissue nearby. I had the students all move away from the pile and I went for the janitor. She soon came with her cart containing every cleaning tool known to man. She came up on the bleachers, bent down to look and asked me what did I think it was. I assured her it was poop. Upon closer inspection she determined it was a chewed-up pickle. Needless to say, we about died laughing. We were all quite relieved.

Later in the day Mama and I took Leah to Bardstown to meet Michael. She wasn't happy about being cold and had to be wrapped in a blanklie and carried to the other car. Can't say that I blame her. The wind was freezing. She got settled and left for home. I was sad to see her go, I'm missing her tonight. I wish they were all here.

Mama and I were hungry so we decided to get something to eat. We wanted something out of the norm, something in an interesting building with the best food for miles around. Mama had me looking for a place that surely has been closed for years. We don't much like Old Talbott Tavern, except for the cherry cobbler with ice cream. So we settled on Mammy's Rock 'n Robin cafe. From the street it looked ok. The inside wasn't too bad, it was clean. But then our food came, Mama had mashed potatoes (no gravy), green beans (which she didn't order and didn't eat), I had what I thought surely had to be bologna quesadillas . Strange little squares of meat (maybe it was meat) made me wonder if it was bologna.The two triangle shaped pieces were huge, filled with tomato sauce, onions, peppers and squares of bologna. We did have a good time laughing at ourselves. We were hungry all the way home.
It was an interesting Thursday.

S IS FOR SUSAN

At this time 39 years ago, I was pregnant. Overdue and anxious. John Wayne and I were staying in Fordsville at Mama and Daddy's house. I did nothing while mama cooked, carried, cleaned. We knew it couldn't be much longer so every time I sneezed they all got in the car, while I was still reading on the couch. Finally on February 3rd the time came for her to be born. Labor wasn't the most fun thing to happen to me so far but survive it, I did. Susan weighed 8 lbs and 14oz. She was the prettiest little baby in the whole hospital and for miles around. When the nurses would bring her to me and it was just the two of us in the room, I would look at her in amazement that this was my baby, she was going home with me. It was such an exciting time, yet fearful too. I didn't know how to take care of a baby. But I soon learned. Susan was a good baby, just cried when she was hungry or had a wet diaper. She would look you right in the eye and just be content to be in your company. She grew up all too soon, but I wouldn't have had it any other way. At least, I guess I wouldn't.
As she grew it became apparent that she had many talents. She began dancing lessons at 3 years old and took lessons until she was a senior in high school. She kept herself stylish and beautiful.
Now that she is pushing 40 and has three daughters of her own, I still see that little girl in her. She is talented, beautiful, smart, funny, loyal. I love her.

T IS FOR TWENTY THREE

Twenty three years ago tonight, my father died. The thing I remember the most is telling my children. They were both just stricken with grief. It changed their lives. They spent many days and nights with my parents, once even staying for 6 weeks without being at home even for a night. We would go visit them but they were having a good time. It's a good thing for them to have so many memories.

WHAT I TOOK MY MOTHER

This is what I brought my mother on Friday:
- a box of kleenex with Vicks salve
- 5 pounds of yellow corn meal
- a hand operated egg beater from a junk store
- a white bowl with a handle, also from the junk store
- a package of panty liners

U IS FOR UNTIL

My mind tells me I can't do this, I can't do that, until this or that or later or after or before. My heart is telling me there is no until. Only this minute. I just have to open my eyes, flex my fingers and write. No thinking about until....

V IS FOR VINE

Vine walks with every day. I can't see her but I know she is there. She tells her story in one of my all-time favorite books, A PARCHMENT OF LEAVES by Silas House. She tells her story in words that stay with me continually. I would be lost without her.

W IS FOR WOBBLY

Every day my mother becomes more wobbly. If I don't hold on to her she might wobble off to the left, leaving me headed in my own direction. Then I'm veering to the left to retrieve her and we continue on our way. At home, she wobbles from room to room. If she didn't know the house so well she couldn't possibly keep from falling. I think she does fall far more than she will admit. She would rather wobble in her own house and keep her independence. I worry about her but it is her decision.
She is good-humored about her wobbling, always the first to make a joke. I know, though, that it is not easy for her. She was always the first to do things for other people, take charge and take care of us all. It goes against the grain for her to be the one who is dependent. But for now she wobbles her way around and pretends to be content.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPING

Tomorrow I should begin Christmas shopping. But, no doubt, I will wait until December. I guess I think I work best under pressure. And I do.
I thought I could not possibly get ready for Christmas of 2007. Somehow it all came together and we all had a good time. We ate like pigs and slept like logs. We just didn't sleep very long or at night.
The girls were so much fun. We were happy to have them here.
All the shopping and wrapping was worth it all. We got such great presents, books, clothes, computers, cameras, video games, toys, jewelry, gift certificates, wonderful things to eat, calendars, things to hang on the wall, things made of wood, great things we will all treasure and remember with joy.