LEAVING OUT

We gathered in and now they have all left out for home. Mama is napping in the book room, Hubby and I are watching tv. The washer and dryer are working in a frenzy. The dishwasher is waiting to be unloaded. The rabbit is eating, the cats all somewhere sleeping.

I thought I would never get ready for Christmas yet now it is over. I finally slept for a few hours this morning and came back to life. I fried potatoes that Hubby peeled. We drank lots of our favorite punch.

In the morning I'm taking the tree down and putting away everything Christmas. I might even do it tonight.

GATHERING IN

Susan and the girls are here tonight. I'm glad they are here. Now we just have to finish shopping and wrapping. It will soon be over. I've never been so unprepared for Christmas. But we'll have a good time anyway. At least, I hope.

ORDERING STUFF

Never before have I ordered so many things for Christmas. My shopping trips have all but come to a halt. Now I'm anxious that everything won't arrive on time. But, maybe.

I have no idea what we will eat, chili, spaghetti, omelets. We'll drink lots of coke and 7UP. Peppermint ice cream.

Most of all we will have fun.

PUTTING MY MOTHER TO BED

I've just put my mother to bed. We stayed up late, me wrapping a few packages, her going through cards that she couldn't see. We talked a lot, both of us repeating ourselves, she can't hear and neither can I. Laughing at ourselves is our way of coping. She worries about the gifts she is giving her friends, I took her shopping, I assure her everything she has will be fine. She has chosen things that she thinks they will like, no just throwing things in a bag. I mailed two packages for her yesterday, she was grateful they were on their way. It stresses her that I do so many things for her, tells me I am killing myself, that I shouldn't have to spend my time doing for her. I tell her it is fine, there is nothing I can't do. It is the truth. Well, on the other hand, there are those teeth.

I was ready for bed before her, usually she goes first, she has been feeling bad and has been going to bed by 8 or so. I told her I thought it was time we called it a night. I helped her get her things in the baskets by her chair, her emery boards, tweezers, cough drops, glasses, kleenex, her pen, cards, her bag of snacks from Jane, her hat. She thinks she should go to the bathroom. She has trouble getting out of the chair, telling me not to pull on her, that I will hurt my back. She is so very feeble, I tell her to stand up a bit straighter and get closer to the walker, we head across the floor. I help her along, steering her clear of obstacles and we get to the bathroom. She catches the leg of the walker on the door facing but we get turned and head for the toilet. She always gets ready before I get ready, wants to sit too soon, as she does in her chair or the car, but I get her settled. The feel of her skin and the smell of her shock me, as they always do. Dry, thin skin, so easily bruised, ginger lotion I keep on her elbows and arms. I have her change her clothes, she tells me she is fine, but I change her anyway. I can't stand the thought of her being uncomfortable.

We go to the bedroom which is really the book room. She can barely make it, she can't see where she is going, I get in front of her and pull her along. It takes a few tries to get settled in the bed but she gets herself fixed and I straighten her covers. She wants her water, trash can, and kleenex. Ready for sleep now. I don't put her rails up anymore, I know she can't get out of bed by herself.

I sleep in the room with her, we are surrounded by books. Stanley and Livingstone are within reach, I can go to the source of the Nile, read about tents, long for Jerusalem, dream of going to Petra, fight the Civil War, walk side by side with Vine. Books are my comfort, my Hindman family linger on the shelves, finally I can rest.

But just as I turn off the light, after reading, I hear her. She is fitful, talking in her sleep, although I can't catch what she is saying. She coughs, groans, sounds congested, I worry I will go to sleep and not hear her if she calls me, although I always hear her.

Now I am wide awake, it's after 1 am, December 19. How have I come to this point in my life. What do I do now.

WILL I EVER BE READY?

I'm sure I'll forget all the stress I have just thinking about Christmas. But tonight I can't see it happening. I would like for it to all come together and be over. Whatever will I feed everybody! I have lots of things to write about tonight but my mind won't work. The house is quiet except for the computer keys. Even the rabbit is sleeping.

Outside, the snow is still on the ground, the air cold. It was so pretty last night as it fell. I kept going to the back door to watch. The cats weren't so thrilled though. Sadie, Lydia and Abby are all sleeping in the house. No doubt the outside cats are in the basement, curled up and warm.

62

I'm 62 years old today. How did this happen?

SPARKLES

I refuse to be totally rattled with Christmas preparations. I think I have figured out a way to put up the tree and just have to move one piece of furniture. The rabbit will stay by the tree. I'm sure he will be thrilled.
I would like to have the lights around the porch but that is being way too optimistic. A small tree in the book room window will have to do. I'm slowly turning the hall into a studio. I like to go there late at night, my stresses seem to melt away, but just for a while.
I'm anxious to get out my favorite Christmas things, mostly old, a lot of them handmade by the girls.
I like sparkly things, I didn't always, but now sparklies are my favorite. Especially at Christmas.

FEEDING TUBE

My mother has a feeding tube and depends on it for her nutrition. She isn't pleased to have it and rolls her eyes when she sees me coming toward her with her feeding. The comment is always the same, I bet you are thrilled to have to do this. I assure her it is fine, I don't mind. And I don't. She has been having some pain , which we are addressing, but it aggravates her. Tonight she said she was going to pull it out, I told her she would be back in the hospital, she said she wouldn't go.

Then she said, "I'm getting fed up with this feeding tube."

I'm still laughing.

JANE

Jane wins a give away. So, Jane, watch your mailbox.

Jane, the original Cosmic Possum, sent me a guardian possun just when I needed it most. Around 10 pm I would often see him, bravely eating cat food at the back door, looking up at me when I turned on the light. The cats just eat with him. I have well fed cats and a well fed possum.