VALENTINES

These valentines were sent to my mother by her friend, Louella. She was thrilled with them. I read them to her and she looked at them in the light. They are just wonderful.

My mother and her brother, Joe

A BETTER DAY, MOSTLY

Today has been a better day than yesterday. This morning, Mama woke up feeling better and seemed more herself. She talked a lot without much confusion, even laughed and made a few jokes. We had banana bread for breakfast, along with Mama's tube feeding. Of course, the bread made her sick but she loved it anyway. We had a quiet day, signing and addressing valentines, she likes to sign them herself, then I address them. I know it is difficult to read her writing but she likes to do it, so I think she should. I left her alone to do mail them and when I got back home she was calling for me, calling me "Mama", she had forgotten I had gone. I don't often leave her but she was anxious for the valentines to be mailed. She was so confused and looked totally different. I think she has "incidents" and has them often. Usually it takes a long time for her to recover and each time she recovers less or more slowly.
This afternoon she has been worried about the days of the week. She can't get them straight but it seems to be important to her so we repeat them. The afternoon also found her miscalling names, more than usual, as well as mixed up on the sequence of age of the girls.
I know it is terrible for her to unable to pull up names and ages of all of us. It is a real source of stress. The more she tries, the more difficult it is for her. I try to answer her questions but that usually leads to more confusion and questions.
I feel like I don't keep her entertained but I run out of things for her to do or talk about that she can maintain. If I tell her too many things she gets them all jumbled, which leads to a whole 'nother level of confusion.

SNOW PRINTS

YEAH! SNOW

Tonight we are getting pretty snow. It is falling into an even pattern, covering the cars and the ground. The cats are leaving their footprints all around the back door and on the front porch. Not the house cats, though, all six of them are nestled in beds, on the couch, looking for the warmest, driest places they can find. Sadie will want to sleep with Mama, she will not want her there though. Poor Sadie, she is so still and doesn't bother anything. When Mama gets to sleep, Sadie finds her way to the foot of the bed and usually sleeps there all night.

Today was Hubby's birthday. We had a good time. We've had lots of birthdays together.

I went to Goodwill today and made some great underwear pictures. Also found some great lace and meat platters.

Jeanie and I had lunch at Olive Garden. It's a good thing we went today since it is snowing tonight. By the end of the week we should be able to lunch again.

SATURDAY

I napped away most of today. Also did some reading, which is what I'll do most of the night. I'm close to finishing SECRETS OF EDEN and want to see how it ends.

Our snow wasn't pretty. Maybe the next one will be. I love the snow scenes in DC.

Mama has had a good day today. She has also napped some. She ate some supper and it didn't make her sick. She has a new mattress and I think it helps her sleep better. It is made to relieve pressure points. It fills with air and has a little movement in it, I think it would be nice for sleeping. Which is what it is for, duh.

I guess I'll have to cook something tomorrow.

SNOW

We are getting a little piddlin' snow here. I wish we were getting it like DC. It would just be so pretty and interesting.

I lost my iPhone today but got a call from Walmart that someone had turned it in. Makes me very happy. I have lots of things saved on it. I'll miss sleeping with it tonight.

I'm trying to change my background and template but can't seem to do it. I wish I had live in commuter help. I can't even read the directions.

NOT SLEEPING

Late night finds me awake and unable to sleep again. I would like to be able to go to bed and just go to sleep but that never happens. No matter how tired I am I still wake up at night.

My mother has always been a night owl too but now she starts thinking about going to bed early. She isn't sleepy, she just thinks she should go to bed in case we want to do something. I don't want her to go to bed and not go to sleep. She worries and things get in her mind that aren't right at all. Then it is almost impossible to get her to understand that everything is ok. I hate for her to worry and be uneasy.

Only 3 of the cats are in tonight. The other 3 wanted to go out. Sadie wants to sleep with Mama. If she wakes up and finds her there she will try and run her away. Sometimes that isn't easy.

THEODOSIA ROBERTS HALE

My great great grandmother, Theodosia Roberts Hale

November 20, 1830-November 2, 1917

She lived, died and is buried less than a mile from my house. She thinks she is me and I think so too. We drive by her home seat every few days. She had 3 children, Nancy Arthusa, John Wellington and Jane. The exact site of her grave has been lost but my mother remembers the general area from going with her grandmother to put flowers on the graves on Decoration Day. New graves now fill the area. But that's another story.

SUNDAY

I've spent a lot of today telling Mama the days of the week. I can only imagine the turmoil that she must go through trying to get things straight. She has had trouble remembering today is Sunday and also trying to get the days in the right order.

Sometimes it is hard for me to maintain the repetition of Mama's forgetting. I sometimes want to just tell her it doesn't matter or not to worry about whatever it is that she can't remember. But then I know it is important to her. I know myself how maddening it is to not be able to think of a name or a word, it will be on the tip of my tongue. Mama has this feeling all the time. I try to tell her everything she asks me. Over and over.

John Michael and Olivia were here for a while tonight. Mama likes for them to come. She enjoys it when any of the children are here. Children do have a way of brightening a room. I wish we could see them all every day. Susan and John Michael, we want to see you too.

I've neglected reading today but the night is young. I'm still reading the Book of Exodus. Also reading SECRETS OF EDEN by Chris Bohjalian. And other things here and there, depending where I am in the house.

Tomorrow I aim to get back to my watercolour art journal, shelve some books, sort some pictures. Might even do the dishes.

JANE

Jane has gone and I miss her a lot. I liked having her here. We did a lot of talking and laughing and, of course, shed some tears. Mama seemed to have trouble remembering who Jane is and their relationship. Jane is her brother's daughter. She has a brother, Joe. Her brother, Billy, died in 1965. His wife was and the mother of Joe and Jane is Anna Ruth. She helps me a lot. When Mama was in the hospital she cancelled everything and stayed at the hospital at least every other night. Mama talks to her on the phone a few times every day. Most of the time it is hard to follow Mama conversations on the phone. She tends to say things backwards and lately her receptive language is the same way. This makes talking with her difficult. I feel so bad for her since this is confusing to her, to say the least.

More and more, Mama wants me to stay in the room with her. She worries when I am out of her sight. She thinks I have gone to bed and left her or maybe I left the house. I always try to tell her when I'm going out of the room but she often forgets. She needs a lot of reassurance and reminders of what is happening around her. She thinks she is in our way. She isn't.

Now that Jane is gone, Mama is worrying that she didn't know who she was while she was here. We continually reminded her but now she has lost all of that. She wasn't even nice to Jane all the time which is totally out of character for my mother. But Jane understood although it made her sad.

I try really hard to keep Mama from being stressed and sad but it is hard for her. I'm always looking for ways to make her more comfortable.

A VISITOR

My cousin is here visiting my mother. Well, me too. We are having a really good time. It is good for Mama to have her here. They have always been close and have spent many hours talking through the years.

Jane is a great storyteller. Her stories keep us in stitches. I still even laugh at the ones I have heard many times. In fact, they usually get funnier. Not to say she embellishes!

I'm having a lot of shoulder pain. I support Mama with my right arm more than the left and it is giving me trouble. She isn't able to get up, stand or walk alone. She can use a walker but only with help. Sometimes we use a small wheelchair when she is too weak to use the walker. I use the chair when I'm here by myself since I can't get her up without help. She had some physical therapy recently that has helped her get out of her chair and walk a bit better. She can push herself up some and that does help me. Hubby is a constant help.

She has days of clarity but more days of confusion that stems from the effects of the brain tumor. The mental stress for me is far more demanding than the physical. I try to keep her as stress free as possible. She loses her words or can't find the word she needs which is aggravating to her. I do my best to anticipate what she is trying to say but it is becoming more difficult. It frustrates her when I don't know what she wants to say or if I can't tell who she is talking about. But considering she is 91 and all the medical maladies she has had, I guess she does fairly well.

I have learned that there is nothing I can't do. I would never have thought this when I was younger. But somehow I manage to take care of my mother.

NAMES

I've had lots of names. When I was little I stayed with two cousins who were in their 70's at the time. They called me Sugar Plum. They said I was the sweetest thing that lived. Yes, they did, and I have the letter to prove it. My Uncle B called me Skit, he had a lot of names for me, all of them affectionate. One of my cousins calls me Cousin, as I do her. Hubby and I have nicknames we call each other. My children called me Mommy, then mOm. My grandchildren call be Bubbe, which is Hebrew for Grandmother. I've been Alice, Alice Hale, Mrs. Adams, Justus Redfern.

One name I've never been called is Mama. I always called my mother, Mama. But now at age 63 I am called Mama. At night, my mother calls me Mama. She doesn't do it during the day but as soon as she settles in to sleep she begins to call me Mama. She gets up several times in the night to go to the bathroom and always wakes me up calling for Mama. At first, it was a bit disconcerting but as time has gone by it has become so common as to be acceptable. Our roles have reversed in so many ways, as I expected it would. But I wasn't prepared for this reversal, that I become Mama by name.

She is always apologetic when she wakes me up or more likely, I'm not asleep. She hates to bother me, she says. I get her up and out of bed, she asks me if I have go to the bathroom, that I better go. Then we start to get her back in bed and she worries that I won't go back to sleep. I assure her I will or that I'm up reading. She usually chuckles when I tell her I'm reading or will say, Surely not. She wants to know where I am and if I'm warm. Even though she calls me Mama, that role has not changed, she worries about my every comfort. She has a real need to know where I am when she goes to bed. I know it makes her insecure to be in the room by herself, she knows I'm close though.

I start my days as Alice but end them as Mama.

01 02 2010

Patti Digh posted on her facebook status that today is Palindrome Day. 01 02 2010

I just love that sort of thing.



The girls are making brownies, one in oven another ready. (brownies in oven, not the girls) We have pizza ordered. Going to church tonight, Ritzy's afterward. I am hoping they still have peppermint milk shakes. They have the best ones ever. I just don't understand why peppermint ice cream is seasonal. I like it all the time.

01 January 2010

I just don't know how it got to be the year 2010. That sounds so far in the future, yet here is where I find myself. 63 years old, way too tired.

I've now completed one full year of care giving with my mother. Her frailties became more prominent in August 2008. She was in the hospital from August 14-October 3, 2008. During this time she got a feeding tube and had surgery for a brain tumor. When it was time for her to leave the hospital we got all the supplies to care for her at home. We have managed to keep her out of the hospital even though she has had several poorly spells.

I'm reading BLOODROOT by Amy Greene. I started it before Christmas but had to lay it aside. Now I'm half way through it and loving it. I intend to read and read during 2010. Even though I read a lot last year there were times I wasn't lost in a book. I want to stay lost most of the time. Clem & Trixie is almost copied. Justus is writing about Leticia Clotsworthy. I wrote a poem the other day. It's going to be a year of words.

I'm also going to attempt to read the Bible again in 2010, a chronological edition. I haven't done that. I'll have to see how it goes. Well, I know how it goes, just have to see if I like to read it like that.

We ate all the food that is supposed to be eaten on New Year's Day. I cooked so does this mean I will cook all year!!

Between 1 & 2 AM

It fills me with despair to think of all the sadness my granddaughters will experience. Tonight laughing with Elizabeth and Olivia, I wished they could always laugh. But already they have sadness. Olivia told me about something that made her cry at Christmas. Elizabeth has all the stresses of a 13 year old. If only I could cushion them all.

Also, I wish I could save Mama from all her frailties. I want her to be free of worry but nothing I do seems to accomplish that. She always took care of everything, did all the cooking, cleaned up all the mess. Now this has passed to me. I don't even like to cook. Elizabeth is learning to cook and does a great job. Tonight she made the cornbread and mashed the potatoes. When she is an old woman she will be able to make a pan of cornbread fit for a king.

I want to put away my Christmas trees but something is keeping me from it. I can't seem to let them go. They are all small with little white lights, except for the Norfolk Island Pine which has colored lights. The little silver tree came from the junk store in Georgetown. Elizabeth wants me to leave it up and decorate it for all the holidays. She says it will be pretty for Valentine's Day and Easter. Maybe I will do it. Why not.

The house is so quiet tonight, nothing stirring but me, clicking the computer keys, wrapped up in my new pink snuggie, a cat across my chest, books on the table, cokes in the fridge.

But sad. Not really a bad sad, just sad.

CHRISTMAS TREES

I didn't put up a big Christmas tree. I intended to put up the white one but just didn't get it done. Instead I have several small trees. There are 4 big, little trees and lots and lots of little, little trees. I like them more than I thought I would. Three of them are sitting on a table together and the kittens spend a lot of their time sleeping there. They keep knocking one of them off the table but it doesn't seem to hurt it. It seems to be just the place for a kitty to nap.

Poppy, the outside kitty, had to go to the vet today. She has a head wound. It didn't amount to much, the vet cleaned it, gave her a shot and sealed off the wound. Poppy, who is feral, settled right in to being a very tame kitty. She didn't get the least bit upset, letting everybody hold her. She was happy to get home though.

I'm concerned for Jean Ritchie tonight.

DECORATIONS

I was going to take Mama for a pedicure today but it is too rainy and cold. She would be wet and frozen before I could get her in the car. Next week for sure.
A lot of the decorations are out of the attic. Maybe I will get festive today. I can only imagine what the cats will do when the tree is here. The kittens will be beside themselves. The tree or the cats may have to go to the porch.

ORNAMENTS

I found these ornaments at St. Vincent de Paul today, along with the little tree. None of them are in great shape but they are sparkly and festive. They make a nice centerpiece and also they might tell a story or two. Who discarded them? Were they not treasured? I'll use them for some decorating this Christmas.

COOKING

It's been a long day. I did manage to get groceries and ordered a turkey from Moonlite. I have no desire to touch a raw, dead turkey. I'm not good at getting Thanksgiving dinner on the table. My mother always did it without any help from me. I just showed up then took a nap all afternoon. Now I have to be cook and be awake too. She always said, and still swears it to be true, that she liked to cook at Thanksgiving or any other day. I find that really strange. I wouldn't mind if I never had to cook again. Amazingly, I can cook, and right well, if I do say so my self. But it will all come together, we'll have a good time, be full, and all have a nap.

I'm reading THE THINGS THAT KEEP US HERE by Carla Buckley.

THE COMING DAYS

I'm trying to work up some enthusiasm for the holidays. Mostly I just think about cooking and dishes. Then there is the shopping. A lot of it will be done online. Going to a store and carrying sacks is a scary thought. The cats and the Christmas tree should be fun though. Last year one them kept climbing in the tree to take a nap.

My kittens, who had an unexcellent adventure last week, will stay here. I thought I would give them to a good home but they had other ideas. They eat, sleep, and poop. And purr. So how much trouble can that be? When it cold I will be glad to have them cuddling up in my lap.

We have a new printer for copying Clem & Trixie. I just have to put in a couple of pictures and fix the page numbers and it is ready to copy.

I'm reading GIRL TROUBLE by Holly Goddard Jones.

BOOKS

I should be sleeping. The rest of the world is sleeping. I'm awake, watching Criminal Minds reruns. I can't get a deep breath. My eyes won't let me read.

So much time spent wasted, books left unread, books unwritten. My unread books talk to me. Read me, they say. Most of them will be read in due time.

Mama's PT asks me the funniest things about my books, do I ever get rid of them, have I read them all. Those questions tell me she is not a reader. Of course, I haven't read them all, that's not necessarily the point. Sometimes, I want a book just for the cover, or an old book because of an inscription. I like to find bookmarks in old books.

Dear Blog, you have made me sleepy. Thank you so much.

Making Bread

I've been making banana bread. Tonight I ran out of bananas so I made apple bread, using the same recipe. The most important ingredient is cream cheese. The apple bread is most wonderful. One of the kittens is lapping up the crumbs. She agrees, she loves it. I am going to try and not eat any more tonight.

I seem to have the fidgits tonight. Is fidgits a word? I want to read but mymind keeps wandering, the cats walk on my book, the tv talks to me. Maybe later.

I should be sleeping. I never seem to be able to sleep at the right time. Olivia is in my bed, so warm and cozy, I can't move her. But it's hard to sleep with her. I have to be close enough to hear Mama, afraid the monitor won't wake me. Guess I'll just try to sleep with Olivia.

I haven't read much for a couple of days. But that will change. I have lots of books I want to read, lots of poems to read and to write.

So many things to write.

CATS AND BOOKS

I have a lot of cats. Last night I kept telling myself I would take the kittens to the shelter but I couldn't do it. They are so cute and very spoiled. They would not do well adjusting to another home. They were born in the house and have spent very little time outside. I hope they never find out that I even entertained the idea of taking them off.

I have lots of books, I'm not taking any of them off either.

Dear Blog,

Oh, dear blog, how I have neglected you. I have missed you.
I have been busy. I have found that I can do lots of things I would never have thought I could do. I won't tell you about that.

I will tell you what I've been reading. I recently read SOUTH OF BROAD by Pat Conroy and HER FEARFUL SYMMETRY bu Audrey Niffenegger. I loved them both although they were nothing alike. I wish I hadn't read them yet, and was just starting them now. I read UPHEAVAL by Chris Holbrook, wonderful stories. I read ELI THE GOOD by Silas House. I recommend it totally.

I haven't kept good records of what I have read this year. I like to go over my lists from previous years so I'm going to do much better in 2010. (How can it almost be 2010?)

I have lots of cats. Abby is off with her boyfriends. Sadie is across the street. Sonny Brewer is asleep on the trash can. Lydia is upstairs. The kittens, Pinky Max and Eudora Alice Welty, are sleeping, Pinky Max on the trash compactor, Eudora Alice Welty sitting on the arm chair. Macy has gone outside. The other outside cats are sleeping under the car. If I open the back door they will come running for a midnight snack.

I have finished Clem & Trixie.

I promise to do better, dear blog. Look for me tomorrow.

Love,
Alice

HIVES

Today I discovered I have hives. I'm just relieved it's not fleas! I have no idea what caused me to have hives. I could have figured it out if it had been fleas. I don't like itching. I couldn't get my medicine until tomorrow so I'm still using itchy cream which doesn't do much to help.
I can remember having hives when I was little. Calamine lotion was the remedy. I hated that stuff, it was way too messy, got all over my clothes and didn't stop the itching.

I can see lightning and hear thunder. I love storms. They are so wonderful at the beach, watching them blow in, the clouds swirling, sheets of rain, then it's over. Next the sun cooks us all.

There are strange mushrooms in our front yard.

ANOTHER DISCOVERY

Well, it didn't work out for my mother to tell me things I didn't know. It upset her to try and remember. She did tell me a lot of stories, most of which I already knew but it was unsettling to her. The result of her brain tumor has left gaps in her memory, more short term than long. She tells things backwards and I am discovering she also hears things backwards. It is difficult for her to get things straight so she repeats them over and over, usually in the wrong sequence. I only correct it if it matters and it usually doesn't.
I think the worst thing for her now is not being able to do things for other people. She was always taking food to people or taking them to the doctor or just going to see if there was anything she could do. When she raised a garden she gave stuff to everybody, often ready to cook or more than likely already cooked. She canned and canned and canned. We ate and ate and ate. I know it drives her to distraction that I am not like her. I'd rather read.
Old age is tough.

IN RESPONSE TO SILAS

In response to Silas' challenge, I'm going to ask my 90 year old mother to tell me something every day that I don't know. I told her to try to remember family things or things she did as a child.

My mother's family, her parents, 3 brothers, and usually her grandmother always ate supper at the table every night. They had a round table in the kitchen. Her mother made biscuits for every meal since her father didn't like cornbread. He ate meat, biscuits and gravy, no vegetables. He liked pork, did not like beef or chicken. Occasionally he might take a little spoon of dessert. When my mother was given meat or a biscuit to eat and didn't want it she would slip it under the table to her father.

HINDMAN

I'm just back from Hindman. It's always hard to re-enter the real world after Hindman. I like being surrounded by writers, words, books, music, mountains. My head is spinning with all the things I want to write and all the books I want to read.
It's less than a year until I go back.

WHAT A CONDO NEEDS

1. electric pencil sharpener
2. pencils
3. books
4. dictionary and thesaurus
5. a good reading light
6. seashells
7. pictures of the seashore
8. a guestbook
9. a non-stick skillet

IF I LIVED IN LOUISVILLE

I've never lived in the city. If I lived in Louisville I would eat supper tonight at the Bristol Bar and Grille. I would have pork and green chile wontons, lots of iced tea. Then I would go to the movie at the Baxter Avenue theater. I would have a really good time.

MY NIGHT SO FAR

Starting at 11

*check email, facebook, twitter
*see clock at 11:11
*write 2 blog entries, not including this one (http://www.theodosiahale.blogspot.com/)
*bring dishes from living room to kitchen
*throw away diet cherry 7up cans
*did not do dishes
*read
*feed rabbit
*feed cats, fresh water
*feed outside cats
*look for possum and raccoon, didn't see them
*almost step on kittens
*turn on all outside lights to go to car for box
*tape box together
*gather kittens from under desk and behind books
*put kittens in box
*try to shush kittens and Abby, meowing so pitiful
*walk Leah to her bed
*tell kittens to be quiet, they don't listen or follow directions
*put Abby in with kittens, she jumps out, meows
*kittens scratching on box
*kittens wake up Leah
*starts to lightning and thunder
*Leah gets in bed with me, twin bed
*my hip hurts
*I'm hot, Leah's leg thrown over my hurting hip
*kittens crying and scratching box
*move box of kittens to other room
*Abby in distress, meowing, standing on my chest
*unable to turn over in bed
*wake Leah trying to turn over
*we change sides, turn off fan, turn on other fan
*I move to foot of bed, Leah moves to middle of bed
*after much rolling back and forth I manage to sit on side of bed
*go to kitchen to write about my night so far

Going on a Trip

Part of this week I've felt like the octomom. I had two 6 year old girls and still have one of them. They were so much fun. We planted flowers, they couldn't understand why no flowers were there by the next morning. Olivia will be back tomorrow afternoon.

Leah worked in her art journal today and finished 2 great pages. The only help she needed was with a piece of ribbon. She asked me to hold it with 2 fingers while she cut it. She has also had a really good time with our 3 kittens. They are a month old and starting to want to run everywhere. I've put them in a box but they are not happy about it at all.

Susan and I leave on Friday for the Mountain Heritage Literary Festival. We are very happy to be going. Kristin and Elizabeth are taking care of Mama. They are good girls.

I'm reading DRAWING IN THE DUST by Zoe Klein. I'm going to love it.

SOMETHING I MISS

I don't miss things or people much. But occasionally I'm filled with longing for a particular person or situation. Since Sue died at Christmas 2000, I haven't had a friend whose door I could go through without knocking. I haven't been able to take off my shoes in someone else's house, take a nap on the couch, pick up something on the cabinet to eat. I miss that.

I know it is something that I won't have again. It can't be planned, it just has to happen. I don't have time for it to happen again.

But I had it once and it was good.

TIMELINE

By the time I have supper cooked I don't want to eat. Sometimes I leave the dishes on the counter all night. By 7 I'm beginning to be tired. By 8 I am tired. By 9 I can hardly move. By 10 I'm dead. But not sleeping. By 9 I'm beginning to find it hard to be agreeable. By 10 I'm downright belligerent. By 11 I feel like crying. By morning I can do it all again.

PRODIGAL TEETH

Mama's prodigal teeth showed up just inches from where I spent the most time looking. I had taken her bed apart, looked behind the books, just everywhere, or so I thought. When they did show up, they were peeking out from under a pillow just inches from her bed, but over toward my bed. And no, I hadn't been using them!! Now she wants to put them in a glass of water instead of under her pillow. That is, if she takes them out, which she usually doesn't.

Now there are kittens between our beds. They are in a clothes basket, Abby seems happy for them to be there. They are so cute.

Poor Mama, spending her declining days in a house full of cats. She can hardly stand them. I just don't understand it, I love my cats and would be lost without them. She doesn't want them to even look at her. She is missing so much. The cats keep me company, keep my feet warm, tell me things, love me unconditionally (well, usually), and just make me happy. I have made my children promise that I will always have a cat when I am very old. Although, I have no intention of becoming very old. No intention at all.

MOTHER'S DAY

I don't much like Mother's Day. I know I should. Several years ago I was sad on Mother's Day and shed tears in front of some people. I haven't liked it since.

RAIN

The rain has given our grass a growth spurt. It's waving in the breeze and curling up the sides of the house. I can't see the rock that marks the cat's grave, that's the rock that is not mower friendly. But it is a nice shade of green.

I've scraped some of the dead leaves out of the herb and flower beds. All the mess is hiding in the tall grass. I just hope I have all the little rocks where the mower won't terrorize them later.

Everything seems better when I'm with the herbs. They are quiet and grow while I'm not looking.

I have to venture out soon, get the mail, go to the drug store, get cards for Mama to send.

Then writing.

WISHES

Things I wish I had tonight:

*Diet Cherry 7Up
*Wurther's
*Pepperidge Farm Jewish Rye Bread - seeded
*pimento cheese
*new pencils
*the towels folded
*total quiet

PIE

Company came today so I ordered a chocolate pie from the Diner. It was made fresh this morning and when I picked it up, it was still warm. The meringue was sky high and smelled wonderful. I couldn't wait to eat a piece, or two. I was not disappointed. It was to die for.

SEARCHING

I've spent much of the day searching the house for Mama's bottom teeth. I have looked everywhere I can think of, stripped the bed, shook the covers, took the bed apart, looked behind the books, searched through the garbage, who knows where they are. Now I think we will just have to come across them, I don't know where else to look.
I search for things all the time. Often I don't find what I'm looking for until days later and sometimes not at all. Then I forget they are lost.
I also search for ways to make life easier for my mother. She hates having a feeding tube but it keeps her alive. She is fed 3 times a day, always worrying about me having to take the time. Of course, it doesn't take me long to feed her. She gets all her meds through the tube, taking only broth by mouth. It is difficult for her. Sometimes she talks me into letting her have things she doesn't need. Then she pays the price.
I still haven't found her teeth.

HUNTING EASTER EGGS

The eggs rattled as they boiled in an iron pot sitting in the eye of the black cook stove. The old woman had filled the stove with kindling and lit it with a kerosene-soaked newspaper before anybody else in the house was awake. The little girl sat at the cherry drop-leaf kitchen table, unaware of its origin. The old woman's parents had set up housekeeping with the table in 1869, but that was unimportant to the little girl. She was busy dropping tablets of dye into each of six different china cups that sat on the table. The old woman poured hot water in each cup and together they watched the water turn color as the tablets fizzed.

When the eggs had finished boiling, the old woman put them on a cotton towel to dry. Soon the cool white eggs were ready for dyeing. The little girl held a wire scoop and dipped it gently into each cup, turning the eggs so the colors would be even. The old woman helped her to place each colored egg on a rack to drain.

They cleaned up the cupboard between the kitchen the dining room. When the eggs were dry, the old woman and the little girl placed them in an old Easter basket filled with green paper grass.

They went outside and the old woman hid the eggs around the swing frame that sat under the pear tree, along the fence row protecting the flowers, behind the cistern, near the rose bush growing over the trellis, and in the tufts of grass growing in the yard around the house.

The little girl hunted the eggs over and over until they were cracked and mushy. The old woman never tired of hiding them and was filled with joy as she watched the little girl hunt the eggs. She knew the little girl would enjoy herself just as much when Easter came around!

BUTTONS

These buttons remind me of Easter Eggs.

MY MORNING

Olivia spent the night with last night. This morning I got up at 5:45 (groan), woke up Olivia soon after. We got ready to leave and put her things in the truck. When we got to Owensboro, it was a little too early to take her to school so we pulled up in Kohl's parking lot. It was 7:07. I told Olivia we would leave the parking lot at 7:10. At 7:11 she woke me up and said it was after the 10. I dropped her off at school. Walmart was my next stop since I needed a few things. As I left the store I went to Subway for a coke to have with the bag of peanut butter eggs I bought.

The coke and peanut butter eggs were a fine breakfast as I drove toward home blissfully listening to NPR. As I approached the outskirts of Whitesville I noticed the cars headed the other way were pulling off to the side of the road. I glanced in the rearview mirror where I saw flashing blue lights nearly on my back bumper.

Since this morning, I've thinking about how many books I could have bought for $178.00.

KRISTIN

My 15 year old granddaughter, Kristin, had her gall bladder removed today. She did fine, some soreness. It was scary for her to have an anaesthetic. She is such a sweet girl.

Leah and Elizabeth have new haircuts and look so cute.

Olivia took a trip to Nashville and ate at the Rainforest Cafe.

Spring Break is over for them all and it is back to school on Monday.

BUTTON FLOOZIE

I love buttons. They are so much more than for holding things together. Buttons are great for filling jars or boxes or baskets. They can just be put on a table or shelf. Buttons don't even mind being left on the floor.
My favorite ones are the two-holed underwear buttons. Oh, the stories they could tell.

I'm happy to be an official Button Floozie. www.buttonfloozies.blogspot.com

DOLLAR STORE

BAPTIST CHURCH CUPOLA AT THE DEPOT

FOR SALE - THE DINER

POST FOR TRAVIS

Mama and I went to Owensboro today. I needed to get a new faucet for the bathroom sink and Mama needed new shoes. The day started out rainy but soon turned sunny and warm. I found a faucet at Lowe's. Mama found shoes at Macy's. We had lunch at Panera Bread. Since Mama can't eat solid food, she had french onion soup. I had a Sierra Turkey sandwich. After a stop at Sam's for the rabbit's lettuce and Walmart for peanut butter eggs, we headed home. Then stopped at the $ Store and the grocery. We are home now. We had a good time.

For Travis - Fordsville is getting a new Dollar Store (well, I guess we wouldn't be getting an old one), the Diner is for sale, and I saw a funny license plate in Mattingly's parking lot.

PEANUT BUTTER EGGS

I had peanut butter eggs for breakfast. The coke I was going to drink caused me all kinds of problems. It fell in the car floor. I stopped to get it, unscrewed the top at which time it spewed, running into the ash tray, soaking my earrings (I didn't have them in my ears at the time) and all the change. Quickly I got the top back on, started driving, the coke fell out again, this time into the seat, spreading sticky goo. Down the road I needed to have a drink to wash down the peanut butter eggs. As I tip the bottle to take a drink all the coke that has accumulated in the grooves drips onto my shirt. I put the top back on the bottle and throw the damn thing in the back seat, where it is spending the night.

MARCH

Well, tomorrow is the first of March. I'm not any farther ahead than I was at the beginning of February. Just the thought of a new month looming is frightening. I need a haircut. My nails are ragged. I have dark circles under my eyes. I'm fat. I hate my clothes. I can't think of anything to cook. The dryer is full. The washer should be full. I'm not reading. I'm writing very little. I can't think.
Other than that, I'm fine.

MAMA AND THE CATS

My cats are driving my mother to distraction. She is just short of wanting them dead. All 4 of the inside cats are used to being held and treated kindly. They wrap themselves around my ankles, curl up on the couch with me, sleep on the foot of my bed, tell me when they are hungry or thirsty, purr whenever I pick them up, love me unconditionally.
They want to love my mother unconditionally. She doesn't want them to love her at all. She doesn't want them to even look at her.
Two of the cats are almost the same color but far from being the same size. Macy is the largest cat and Abby the smallest. Anytime Mama sees either one she asks which one it is and wants to know their names. This happens many times throughout the day and night. Mama calls Macy a fox.
During the night I often hear Mama telling the cats to "get out of here", "go away", I can see her throwing her arms and flapping the quilt all over the bed. The cats will be unfazed. Mama will call for me to come get the fox out of her bed.
Tonight I put Mama to bed, got her all settled, with no cats on the bed. Later I went to check on her and saw something move on the table beside her bed. Looking closer, I saw it was Macy. Quietly, I went to the table and reached for her. She jumped to the headboard of Mama's bed, tiptoed to the other side of the bed, just beyond my reach. I rushed to the other side to grab her but she turned and ran right over Mama's head. Back to the other side I go but Macy bounds onto the bed, touches down on Mama's back, and jumps to the floor. This time I manage to head her toward the door.
Mama has slept through the whole thing. Macy has gone back upstairs. Now I'm wide awake.

BURIAL

I can't sleep. Oh, I will be able to sleep like a baby in the morning. But not tonight. It's 3 am. I should be sound asleep, dreaming, snoring. But, no, I'm wide awake.
Hubby is sleeping, Mama is sleeping, Herbie is sleeping, the cats are sleeping. The sand crab is dead and buried in the yard. Poor thing. He had two burials. Since he belonged to Elizabeth I thought she should be in charge of the services. Leah had other ideas.
I carried the cage to the yard, we chose to bury him between the building and the tree, our woods. Elizabeth got the big shovel and Leah the small one. Elizabeth dug a hole, put in the sand crab and covered him over. Leah dropped her shovel, held her arms straight and stiff by her sides and screamed at the top of the lungs. So Elizabeth dug up the sand crab and filled in the hole. Now Leah dug a hole in the same spot, put in the sand crab, covered him with dirt and leaves. Then we poured his sand on top of his grave, the sand he got on the beach at Perdido Key last July. Poor sand crab rests peacefully in the yard covered with sand. (He froze during the ice storm)

I LOVE MOUNTAINS DAY 2009

On February 17, I attended I Love Mountains Day. Susan and I marched with the group to the capitol to protest mountaintop removal mining.
There are no words for what is happening to our mountains.
I hope there will be less to protest next year.

LISTENING TO THE HOUSE

For 2 weeks and more we have been visited by rain, wind, ice, snow, more ice, no electricity, no heat. Even now, the electricity is spotty. Just when we get comfortable, off it goes again. Last night, I cooked supper by candlelight, yes Jane, cinnamon covered dog turds, the candles, not the supper. Eating supper by candlelight reminded me why I would have never made it as a pioneer. The lights came back on as we were finishing our supper. Then off again, on again, off again, this time while hubby was in the shower. I found the flashlight and took him a book light, clipping it on the hook on the back of the door, book lights save us in many ways.

During the quiet of a power failure it is easy to hear things usually masked by the sounds of electricity and it's noise.

The 8th step on the staircase creaks differently than the other 29. It gives a bit more. I know what the wood underneath the carpet looks like and I wish I could feel it with my bare foot. I know the steps are worn lower in the center due to almost 100 years of footfalls. It was us that covered them with carpet. Sorry stairs. The banister is worn smooth from hands holding on in fear of falling. Banister, you can thank us for not painting you. The two landings are home to a geode and a quilt rack. The cats are fond of the carpeted stairs. They keep warm there on many a cold night.

The house settles, creaks, rattles, sighs, coughs, listens, cries, laughs, comforts. It comforts me a lot.

ICE

I have lots of ice stories but they are so much less severe than so many others that they aren't worth telling. 

The worst thing I did was let the sand crab freeze to death. Poor thing. He belonged to Elizabeth, he came from Florida. He will have to be replaced when we go in July. The funeral will be soon.

We are going home today, the power has returned and the house is warm. 

READING OF THE WEDDING POEM by Jane Hicks

Come Live With me and be my love Christopher Marlowe
Come live with me and be my love, And we will all the pleasures prove That valleys, groves, hills, and fields, Woods or steepy mountain yields.
And we will sit upon the rocks, Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks, By shallow rivers to whose falls Melodious birds sing madrigals.
And I will make thee beds of roses And a thousand fragrant posies, A cap of flowers, and a kirtle Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle;
A gown made of the finest wool Which from our pretty lambs we pull; Fair lined slippers for the cold, With buckles of th purest gold;
A belt of straw and ivy buds, With coral clasps and amber studs: And if these pleasures may thee move, Come live with me and be my love.
The shepherds' swains shall dance and sing For thy delight each May morning: If these delights thy mind may move, Then live with me and be my love.The Passionate Shepherd to His LoveChristopher Marlowe

THE BRIDE & GROOM

Clem & Trixie, the bride and groom. Trixie's mother helped her daughter poof her hair and they chose a large veil. Trixie is pleased with her enhanced bosom. Clem is quite uncomfortable in his wedding clothes. Thankfully, the ceremony is to be a short one.

This a a happy day for Clem & Trixie. They expect a good life together in their little house. They can hardly wait to be alone.

Annabelle

Annabelle, Trixie's sister. Annabelle will miss Trixie although she doesn't know it yet. She also is a thin-haired girl.

BEST FRIEND

Jenny, Trixie's best friend. Jenny & Trixie giggle about Clem and Jenny's gentleman caller, Samuel.

ARCH'S SISTER

Arch's sister, Nell, who is a comfort to Arch. She hates Ambrosia.

ACQUAINTANCE OF AMBROSIA

Clarissa, an acquaintance of Ambrosia, mother of Beulah and Drucilla, girls that Ambrosia think better suited for Clem than Trixie. Clarissa was invited to the wedding by Ambrosia, against Trixie and Clem's wishes. Ambrosia let them know she could do whatever she pleased.

UNCLE THOMAS & AUNT JULIA

Trixie's Aunt Julia & Uncle Thomas encourage Clem and Trixie but they also are terrified of Ambrosia.

TRIXIE'S PARENTS

Trixie's parents are happy for Trixie and Clem although sad for her to leave their house. Trixie's parents are fun-loving people and are worried that Ambrosia will dampen Trixie's spirits.

MOTHER OF THE GROOM

Ambrosia Tuttle, mother of the groom. She refused to have her photograph taken with her husband, Arch. Arch said damned if he cared. Ambrosia chose to wear her Sunday best outfit. She said she could find no better hat than this one that she has had for many years.

Dear Clem, from your mother

Dear Clem,

I can't help but cry when I think of my boy getting married. And getting married to that little floozie. I know you say you love her but, Clem, surely you could do better. There's those girls I see at church, they are so pretty and have so much hair, Trixie is so thin-haired, she'll soon be bald.

What kind of people name their child Trixie. Why couldn't they have named her something pretty, like Beulah or Drucilla, Trixie doesn't even sound like a real name.

I told your father he should have forbid you to keep company with a girl named Trixie, but your father isn't man enough to take a stand on anything. I hope you will be more of a man and put that Trixie in her place.

Clem, you can still change your mind, after all, there are other girls that would be glad to marry you.

I bet Trixie can't even cook. She probably thinks she's too good to empty the slop jar.

Your mother,
Ambrosia Tuttle

KITTY

Dear Diary,

Clem is being mean for the first time, he doesn't want me to take Kitty to live with us. I have had Kitty for 5 years and I love her. What will I do without Kitty, she comforts me and loves me no matter what. Clem may not love me as much as I love Kitty. I keep crying but Clem says Kitty makes him sick. I think he just doesn't love Kitty. I tell him that Kitty likes to go outside but that she sleeps with me at night. Clem says no cat is sleeping in his bed. Poor Kitty. Maybe he will let me make her a bed in the barn. I could sneak her in the house while he is gone. When he is in the barn he might learn to love Kitty. Oh, I am so sad to think of life without Kitty.

From Trixie

Dear Diary,

What have I done to myself, Ambrosia hates me. She is so grumpy and acted like she forgot my name, calling me Tootsie. Clem says it will be ok, I won't have to live with her. I would stomp my foot and say no if Clem wanted that. Now Arch seems nice but Ambrosia won't let him stay in the room with her. I bet he is glad for that.

I'm going to bed and pray that Ambrosia will be nice to me tomorrow.

From,
Trixie

DEAR DIARY, FROM TRIXIE

Dear Diary,

Just a few days and I'll be Clem's wife. Oh, it makes me afraid yet I am happy. Clem will be a good husband even if his mother is not pleasant. She is a fearsome woman. Clem says I will learn to love her. I may have to pretend to love her, she is so severe. My own mother laughs but I've never even seen Clem's mother smile. He says she might though.

My mother and sister have scrubbed our little house clean. The floors were a fright, I was glad they were there to clean them for me. They have also picked out some fresh paper for the walls. I hope Clem will be pleased with it all.

My mother is still stitching on my dress, nothing fancy but I want it to fit. It was her dress when she married my papa. Poor Mama, she keeps crying. I told her I would come to visit every week. She said she knows I won't.

Well, I need to fold my things and get them ready.

From,
Trixie (soon to be Clem's wife)

CATS

It's not that my mother hates my cats, she just doesn't like them. I have several cats so she has a lot of them to dislike. She will tell you that she doesn't dislike them she just doesn't want them to get close to her. But they like her. They want to bed close to her. There are four cats that come in the house, Sadie and Lydia are calico, though not related, Abby and Macy are gray tabby, both with unique markings, especially Abby. Abby is the smallest cat, Macy the largest. Sadie is aggravated she isn't an only cat. As I write this, Abby is in heat. Usually she is a quiet cat, meows gently and walks around without any fanfare. But now she is squalling and roaming all over the house. She is not allowed to go outside, for obvious reasons. Sadie is Macy's grandmother. None of the others are related. So far as we know, that is.

There are several outside cats, Sonny Brewer is a grey and white tomcat, gentle and wants to be a house cat but is too timid, all of the other outside cats are named Kitty. They all know their name. There are grey and white ones, black and white, and one long haired grey cat that resembles a Maine Coon. I wish I could tame it, such a beautiful cat.

Macy wants to sleep on Mama's pillow. She does not want Macy anywhere near her pillow or her bed, for that matter. Mama will go to bed and before too long I will hear her ringing her bell and I know Macy is on her pillow. Mama calls Macy a fox. She really is somewhat afraid of her, she is a big cat. After a few times of being shooed out of the bed Macy will find her another place to sleep. Abby also likes to sleep with Mama but she makes her place at her foot of the bed. Mama will wake me up and tell me the cat won't move so I move her. Before long Abby is back in her warm spot on Mama's bed. Occasionally Mama and Abby will sleep for several hours without Mama knowing she has a bed mate.

Lydia walks on Mama's bed but doesn't usually sleep with her, Lydia likes to sleep with me. But she does visit Mama during the night, often sniffing her face, Mama says, "Get this cat away from me!"

Sadie stays completely away from Mama. She will find herself a place to sleep upstairs or on really cold nights she will sleep with me. Sadie just wishes everybody would be quiet and stay out of her way.

As well as all the cats I have a rabbit who lives in a cage in the house. Herbie Miller eats gourmet rabbit food, organic greens and gets regular baths.

And then there's the sand crab, but that's another story...

Ambrosia & Arch Tuttle
And
Trixie’s Parents
Invite you to Attend
The Wedding of
Clem & Trixie
@
www.alicehadams.blogspot.com
&
Alice’s Facebook Page
January 23, 2008
3:00 pm CST

FLORIDA IN JULY

It's so cold tonight that I made reservations to go to Florida in July. I feel warmer already.

FEEDING MY MOTHER

My mother has an old esophagus. It doesn't work well so she has a feeding tube. But she is able to eat now and then even though food usually doesn't go down well.
Tonight I cooked pork chops, tenderized, dipped in egg and crackers, browned in the skillet, then baked in the oven, mashed potatoes, corn and peas. Mama ate a small amount and was able to keep some of it down. While I was cleaning up the dishes she said she wished she had a slice of bread to rake through the grease and dripping in the pork chop pan. So I gave it to her, she had the best time with it, cleaning the pan. She said it was the best thing she had to eat in a long time. I was afraid it would make her really sick but it hasn't.
I figure she might as well have what she wants, even if her esophagus is old.

STRIKING OF THE CLOCK

The house is quiet, everybody sleeping. The tv is off, the only noise is the cat purring and the rabbit nibbling. Then, amid the quiet, the clock strikes, 10 times, bong, bong...

I was transmitted back in time to the house in West View, staying with Essa Cova, my cousins, 70 years and more older than me. There were two mantle clocks in the house, one on the mantle in the side room and one on the hall tree upstairs. Every night Cova wound the one downstairs and Essa would wind the upstairs one when she went up to bed. I took turns sleeping with them and always loved watching them wind the clocks. After I was older I was allowed to help.

The two clocks were never on the exact same minute, which enabled us to hear each clock clearly. Each had it's own distinct sound, the upstairs clock was softer, but could still be heard downstairs. The house was always quiet at night, except for storms. It was hard to miss the striking of the clocks.

Cova slept downstairs in a tall bed with a high feather mattress. She used her small hands to fluff and smooth it every morning. The head board went almost to the ceiling and the foot board was about half as tall. Cova would let me climb on the foot board, straighten myself stiff and fall into the feather bed, where I would be consumed. I thought this was great fun. Talking with Cova at night was an adventure, she told me about far away places and famous people, how I should behave and treat others. She was the one who taught me about salvation.

Essa's feather bed, upstairs, was not as thick, nor was it as fluffed and smoothed. But it was so comforting. She told me stories, we talked about people we didn't like, and giggled for hours.

My clock is not one of theirs, but that's another story. My clock is a family piece, passed on to me by my mother. I like hearing it strike.

FROM JEANIE

These were my birthday gifts from Jeanie. I loved the paper and gift bag. The cookies are on a white fiesta plate that says, 'It really is all about you'.

AN ANSWER FOR NAN

Theodosia Roberts Hale was my great great grandmother. Her son was a photographer and I am so happy that a glass negative survived to allow me to have her picture. She had 3 children, if there were more there is not a record. There are many stories about these people, I have written many of them and continue to wring my mother out like a wash rag to try and make her remember what she heard as a child. She doesn't remember much but she has been able to show me where Theodosia's house sat. It is in close proximity to other family members and not far from my mother's house. Not many days go by that we don't take a ride by the spot, we say we are going to see Theodosia.
I think I am Theodosia and she thinks she is me. It makes for a lot of confusion. Once she took over my hands to write on her blog and she was sick, I got so confused, when I thought I was her, I had to go to my sickbed but when I thought I was myself, I went to see about her.
Her grave site has been lost, others buried on top of her and other of our relatives. My mother told the undertaker but they sold the grave sites anyway. But we know the general area and plan to pot up a marker.
I've lagged back on letting Theodosia write since I know she had many sad things happen to her and it crushes me to live through them.
She was 87 years old when she died. Much more is coming from the pen of Theodosia.

2009

Awake, just into 2009. Quiet. Everybody asleep but me. Except for the animals, Herbie eating, the nocturnal sand crab roaming, the cats, all 4 of them, beginning to find their place to sleep. I should do the same.

Mama stayed awake long enough to see the new year arrive in New York. Hubby didn't make it until 10.

Happy New Year, all.

LEAVING OUT

We gathered in and now they have all left out for home. Mama is napping in the book room, Hubby and I are watching tv. The washer and dryer are working in a frenzy. The dishwasher is waiting to be unloaded. The rabbit is eating, the cats all somewhere sleeping.

I thought I would never get ready for Christmas yet now it is over. I finally slept for a few hours this morning and came back to life. I fried potatoes that Hubby peeled. We drank lots of our favorite punch.

In the morning I'm taking the tree down and putting away everything Christmas. I might even do it tonight.

GATHERING IN

Susan and the girls are here tonight. I'm glad they are here. Now we just have to finish shopping and wrapping. It will soon be over. I've never been so unprepared for Christmas. But we'll have a good time anyway. At least, I hope.

ORDERING STUFF

Never before have I ordered so many things for Christmas. My shopping trips have all but come to a halt. Now I'm anxious that everything won't arrive on time. But, maybe.

I have no idea what we will eat, chili, spaghetti, omelets. We'll drink lots of coke and 7UP. Peppermint ice cream.

Most of all we will have fun.

PUTTING MY MOTHER TO BED

I've just put my mother to bed. We stayed up late, me wrapping a few packages, her going through cards that she couldn't see. We talked a lot, both of us repeating ourselves, she can't hear and neither can I. Laughing at ourselves is our way of coping. She worries about the gifts she is giving her friends, I took her shopping, I assure her everything she has will be fine. She has chosen things that she thinks they will like, no just throwing things in a bag. I mailed two packages for her yesterday, she was grateful they were on their way. It stresses her that I do so many things for her, tells me I am killing myself, that I shouldn't have to spend my time doing for her. I tell her it is fine, there is nothing I can't do. It is the truth. Well, on the other hand, there are those teeth.

I was ready for bed before her, usually she goes first, she has been feeling bad and has been going to bed by 8 or so. I told her I thought it was time we called it a night. I helped her get her things in the baskets by her chair, her emery boards, tweezers, cough drops, glasses, kleenex, her pen, cards, her bag of snacks from Jane, her hat. She thinks she should go to the bathroom. She has trouble getting out of the chair, telling me not to pull on her, that I will hurt my back. She is so very feeble, I tell her to stand up a bit straighter and get closer to the walker, we head across the floor. I help her along, steering her clear of obstacles and we get to the bathroom. She catches the leg of the walker on the door facing but we get turned and head for the toilet. She always gets ready before I get ready, wants to sit too soon, as she does in her chair or the car, but I get her settled. The feel of her skin and the smell of her shock me, as they always do. Dry, thin skin, so easily bruised, ginger lotion I keep on her elbows and arms. I have her change her clothes, she tells me she is fine, but I change her anyway. I can't stand the thought of her being uncomfortable.

We go to the bedroom which is really the book room. She can barely make it, she can't see where she is going, I get in front of her and pull her along. It takes a few tries to get settled in the bed but she gets herself fixed and I straighten her covers. She wants her water, trash can, and kleenex. Ready for sleep now. I don't put her rails up anymore, I know she can't get out of bed by herself.

I sleep in the room with her, we are surrounded by books. Stanley and Livingstone are within reach, I can go to the source of the Nile, read about tents, long for Jerusalem, dream of going to Petra, fight the Civil War, walk side by side with Vine. Books are my comfort, my Hindman family linger on the shelves, finally I can rest.

But just as I turn off the light, after reading, I hear her. She is fitful, talking in her sleep, although I can't catch what she is saying. She coughs, groans, sounds congested, I worry I will go to sleep and not hear her if she calls me, although I always hear her.

Now I am wide awake, it's after 1 am, December 19. How have I come to this point in my life. What do I do now.

WILL I EVER BE READY?

I'm sure I'll forget all the stress I have just thinking about Christmas. But tonight I can't see it happening. I would like for it to all come together and be over. Whatever will I feed everybody! I have lots of things to write about tonight but my mind won't work. The house is quiet except for the computer keys. Even the rabbit is sleeping.

Outside, the snow is still on the ground, the air cold. It was so pretty last night as it fell. I kept going to the back door to watch. The cats weren't so thrilled though. Sadie, Lydia and Abby are all sleeping in the house. No doubt the outside cats are in the basement, curled up and warm.

62

I'm 62 years old today. How did this happen?

SPARKLES

I refuse to be totally rattled with Christmas preparations. I think I have figured out a way to put up the tree and just have to move one piece of furniture. The rabbit will stay by the tree. I'm sure he will be thrilled.
I would like to have the lights around the porch but that is being way too optimistic. A small tree in the book room window will have to do. I'm slowly turning the hall into a studio. I like to go there late at night, my stresses seem to melt away, but just for a while.
I'm anxious to get out my favorite Christmas things, mostly old, a lot of them handmade by the girls.
I like sparkly things, I didn't always, but now sparklies are my favorite. Especially at Christmas.

FEEDING TUBE

My mother has a feeding tube and depends on it for her nutrition. She isn't pleased to have it and rolls her eyes when she sees me coming toward her with her feeding. The comment is always the same, I bet you are thrilled to have to do this. I assure her it is fine, I don't mind. And I don't. She has been having some pain , which we are addressing, but it aggravates her. Tonight she said she was going to pull it out, I told her she would be back in the hospital, she said she wouldn't go.

Then she said, "I'm getting fed up with this feeding tube."

I'm still laughing.

JANE

Jane wins a give away. So, Jane, watch your mailbox.

Jane, the original Cosmic Possum, sent me a guardian possun just when I needed it most. Around 10 pm I would often see him, bravely eating cat food at the back door, looking up at me when I turned on the light. The cats just eat with him. I have well fed cats and a well fed possum.