Dear Clem, from your mother

Dear Clem,

I can't help but cry when I think of my boy getting married. And getting married to that little floozie. I know you say you love her but, Clem, surely you could do better. There's those girls I see at church, they are so pretty and have so much hair, Trixie is so thin-haired, she'll soon be bald.

What kind of people name their child Trixie. Why couldn't they have named her something pretty, like Beulah or Drucilla, Trixie doesn't even sound like a real name.

I told your father he should have forbid you to keep company with a girl named Trixie, but your father isn't man enough to take a stand on anything. I hope you will be more of a man and put that Trixie in her place.

Clem, you can still change your mind, after all, there are other girls that would be glad to marry you.

I bet Trixie can't even cook. She probably thinks she's too good to empty the slop jar.

Your mother,
Ambrosia Tuttle