Thursday, April 08, 2010
CHANGES
I've been thinking about the changes for me since mama died. The one that seems to giving me the most worry is that I won't ever have an unconditional relationship again. Mama liked me no matter what and no matter what I did, it didn't change anything for her concerning me. I get on everybody else's nerves, a lot of people disapprove of me in one way or another. I always knew that she would be fine with whatever I did, even if it was stupid. That's a big thing to lose.
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After my mother died, I was in college. We read As I Lay Dying. I swear I felt like I was going insane. But it settles, in its own weird way. The most important part, I found, was that you do things for yourself - you approve of yourself, you love yourself unconditionally... Because really, that's all our mothers are trying to teach us. We're worthy of it. Why not give it to ourselves?
I honestly cannot remember one time you've annoyed me. I can remember always wishing we lived closer.
Dun be too sad, cheers.
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Count yourself lucky to have had a relationship like that ever. My mother comes with a price tag. She doesn't count any of the four of us she gave birth to as any count unless we can pay her bills for her. (No, she is not disabled. She owns her own business and is the healthiest person I know.) I love her. I just wish she didn't only want money from us all the time. I was the bold one to refuse- I don't have it to give- and she hasn't spoken to me in weeks.
I like what Lacey said., though.
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