We are getting a little piddlin' snow here. I wish we were getting it like DC. It would just be so pretty and interesting.
I lost my iPhone today but got a call from Walmart that someone had turned it in. Makes me very happy. I have lots of things saved on it. I'll miss sleeping with it tonight.
I'm trying to change my background and template but can't seem to do it. I wish I had live in commuter help. I can't even read the directions.
Friday, February 05, 2010
Thursday, February 04, 2010
NOT SLEEPING
Late night finds me awake and unable to sleep again. I would like to be able to go to bed and just go to sleep but that never happens. No matter how tired I am I still wake up at night.
My mother has always been a night owl too but now she starts thinking about going to bed early. She isn't sleepy, she just thinks she should go to bed in case we want to do something. I don't want her to go to bed and not go to sleep. She worries and things get in her mind that aren't right at all. Then it is almost impossible to get her to understand that everything is ok. I hate for her to worry and be uneasy.
Only 3 of the cats are in tonight. The other 3 wanted to go out. Sadie wants to sleep with Mama. If she wakes up and finds her there she will try and run her away. Sometimes that isn't easy.
My mother has always been a night owl too but now she starts thinking about going to bed early. She isn't sleepy, she just thinks she should go to bed in case we want to do something. I don't want her to go to bed and not go to sleep. She worries and things get in her mind that aren't right at all. Then it is almost impossible to get her to understand that everything is ok. I hate for her to worry and be uneasy.
Only 3 of the cats are in tonight. The other 3 wanted to go out. Sadie wants to sleep with Mama. If she wakes up and finds her there she will try and run her away. Sometimes that isn't easy.
Monday, February 01, 2010
THEODOSIA ROBERTS HALE
My great great grandmother, Theodosia Roberts Hale
November 20, 1830-November 2, 1917
She lived, died and is buried less than a mile from my house. She thinks she is me and I think so too. We drive by her home seat every few days. She had 3 children, Nancy Arthusa, John Wellington and Jane. The exact site of her grave has been lost but my mother remembers the general area from going with her grandmother to put flowers on the graves on Decoration Day. New graves now fill the area. But that's another story.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
SUNDAY
I've spent a lot of today telling Mama the days of the week. I can only imagine the turmoil that she must go through trying to get things straight. She has had trouble remembering today is Sunday and also trying to get the days in the right order.
Sometimes it is hard for me to maintain the repetition of Mama's forgetting. I sometimes want to just tell her it doesn't matter or not to worry about whatever it is that she can't remember. But then I know it is important to her. I know myself how maddening it is to not be able to think of a name or a word, it will be on the tip of my tongue. Mama has this feeling all the time. I try to tell her everything she asks me. Over and over.
John Michael and Olivia were here for a while tonight. Mama likes for them to come. She enjoys it when any of the children are here. Children do have a way of brightening a room. I wish we could see them all every day. Susan and John Michael, we want to see you too.
I've neglected reading today but the night is young. I'm still reading the Book of Exodus. Also reading SECRETS OF EDEN by Chris Bohjalian. And other things here and there, depending where I am in the house.
Tomorrow I aim to get back to my watercolour art journal, shelve some books, sort some pictures. Might even do the dishes.
Sometimes it is hard for me to maintain the repetition of Mama's forgetting. I sometimes want to just tell her it doesn't matter or not to worry about whatever it is that she can't remember. But then I know it is important to her. I know myself how maddening it is to not be able to think of a name or a word, it will be on the tip of my tongue. Mama has this feeling all the time. I try to tell her everything she asks me. Over and over.
John Michael and Olivia were here for a while tonight. Mama likes for them to come. She enjoys it when any of the children are here. Children do have a way of brightening a room. I wish we could see them all every day. Susan and John Michael, we want to see you too.
I've neglected reading today but the night is young. I'm still reading the Book of Exodus. Also reading SECRETS OF EDEN by Chris Bohjalian. And other things here and there, depending where I am in the house.
Tomorrow I aim to get back to my watercolour art journal, shelve some books, sort some pictures. Might even do the dishes.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
JANE
Jane has gone and I miss her a lot. I liked having her here. We did a lot of talking and laughing and, of course, shed some tears. Mama seemed to have trouble remembering who Jane is and their relationship. Jane is her brother's daughter. She has a brother, Joe. Her brother, Billy, died in 1965. His wife was and the mother of Joe and Jane is Anna Ruth. She helps me a lot. When Mama was in the hospital she cancelled everything and stayed at the hospital at least every other night. Mama talks to her on the phone a few times every day. Most of the time it is hard to follow Mama conversations on the phone. She tends to say things backwards and lately her receptive language is the same way. This makes talking with her difficult. I feel so bad for her since this is confusing to her, to say the least.
More and more, Mama wants me to stay in the room with her. She worries when I am out of her sight. She thinks I have gone to bed and left her or maybe I left the house. I always try to tell her when I'm going out of the room but she often forgets. She needs a lot of reassurance and reminders of what is happening around her. She thinks she is in our way. She isn't.
Now that Jane is gone, Mama is worrying that she didn't know who she was while she was here. We continually reminded her but now she has lost all of that. She wasn't even nice to Jane all the time which is totally out of character for my mother. But Jane understood although it made her sad.
I try really hard to keep Mama from being stressed and sad but it is hard for her. I'm always looking for ways to make her more comfortable.
More and more, Mama wants me to stay in the room with her. She worries when I am out of her sight. She thinks I have gone to bed and left her or maybe I left the house. I always try to tell her when I'm going out of the room but she often forgets. She needs a lot of reassurance and reminders of what is happening around her. She thinks she is in our way. She isn't.
Now that Jane is gone, Mama is worrying that she didn't know who she was while she was here. We continually reminded her but now she has lost all of that. She wasn't even nice to Jane all the time which is totally out of character for my mother. But Jane understood although it made her sad.
I try really hard to keep Mama from being stressed and sad but it is hard for her. I'm always looking for ways to make her more comfortable.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
A VISITOR
My cousin is here visiting my mother. Well, me too. We are having a really good time. It is good for Mama to have her here. They have always been close and have spent many hours talking through the years.
Jane is a great storyteller. Her stories keep us in stitches. I still even laugh at the ones I have heard many times. In fact, they usually get funnier. Not to say she embellishes!
I'm having a lot of shoulder pain. I support Mama with my right arm more than the left and it is giving me trouble. She isn't able to get up, stand or walk alone. She can use a walker but only with help. Sometimes we use a small wheelchair when she is too weak to use the walker. I use the chair when I'm here by myself since I can't get her up without help. She had some physical therapy recently that has helped her get out of her chair and walk a bit better. She can push herself up some and that does help me. Hubby is a constant help.
She has days of clarity but more days of confusion that stems from the effects of the brain tumor. The mental stress for me is far more demanding than the physical. I try to keep her as stress free as possible. She loses her words or can't find the word she needs which is aggravating to her. I do my best to anticipate what she is trying to say but it is becoming more difficult. It frustrates her when I don't know what she wants to say or if I can't tell who she is talking about. But considering she is 91 and all the medical maladies she has had, I guess she does fairly well.
I have learned that there is nothing I can't do. I would never have thought this when I was younger. But somehow I manage to take care of my mother.
Jane is a great storyteller. Her stories keep us in stitches. I still even laugh at the ones I have heard many times. In fact, they usually get funnier. Not to say she embellishes!
I'm having a lot of shoulder pain. I support Mama with my right arm more than the left and it is giving me trouble. She isn't able to get up, stand or walk alone. She can use a walker but only with help. Sometimes we use a small wheelchair when she is too weak to use the walker. I use the chair when I'm here by myself since I can't get her up without help. She had some physical therapy recently that has helped her get out of her chair and walk a bit better. She can push herself up some and that does help me. Hubby is a constant help.
She has days of clarity but more days of confusion that stems from the effects of the brain tumor. The mental stress for me is far more demanding than the physical. I try to keep her as stress free as possible. She loses her words or can't find the word she needs which is aggravating to her. I do my best to anticipate what she is trying to say but it is becoming more difficult. It frustrates her when I don't know what she wants to say or if I can't tell who she is talking about. But considering she is 91 and all the medical maladies she has had, I guess she does fairly well.
I have learned that there is nothing I can't do. I would never have thought this when I was younger. But somehow I manage to take care of my mother.
Sunday, January 03, 2010
NAMES
I've had lots of names. When I was little I stayed with two cousins who were in their 70's at the time. They called me Sugar Plum. They said I was the sweetest thing that lived. Yes, they did, and I have the letter to prove it. My Uncle B called me Skit, he had a lot of names for me, all of them affectionate. One of my cousins calls me Cousin, as I do her. Hubby and I have nicknames we call each other. My children called me Mommy, then mOm. My grandchildren call be Bubbe, which is Hebrew for Grandmother. I've been Alice, Alice Hale, Mrs. Adams, Justus Redfern.
One name I've never been called is Mama. I always called my mother, Mama. But now at age 63 I am called Mama. At night, my mother calls me Mama. She doesn't do it during the day but as soon as she settles in to sleep she begins to call me Mama. She gets up several times in the night to go to the bathroom and always wakes me up calling for Mama. At first, it was a bit disconcerting but as time has gone by it has become so common as to be acceptable. Our roles have reversed in so many ways, as I expected it would. But I wasn't prepared for this reversal, that I become Mama by name.
She is always apologetic when she wakes me up or more likely, I'm not asleep. She hates to bother me, she says. I get her up and out of bed, she asks me if I have go to the bathroom, that I better go. Then we start to get her back in bed and she worries that I won't go back to sleep. I assure her I will or that I'm up reading. She usually chuckles when I tell her I'm reading or will say, Surely not. She wants to know where I am and if I'm warm. Even though she calls me Mama, that role has not changed, she worries about my every comfort. She has a real need to know where I am when she goes to bed. I know it makes her insecure to be in the room by herself, she knows I'm close though.
I start my days as Alice but end them as Mama.
One name I've never been called is Mama. I always called my mother, Mama. But now at age 63 I am called Mama. At night, my mother calls me Mama. She doesn't do it during the day but as soon as she settles in to sleep she begins to call me Mama. She gets up several times in the night to go to the bathroom and always wakes me up calling for Mama. At first, it was a bit disconcerting but as time has gone by it has become so common as to be acceptable. Our roles have reversed in so many ways, as I expected it would. But I wasn't prepared for this reversal, that I become Mama by name.
She is always apologetic when she wakes me up or more likely, I'm not asleep. She hates to bother me, she says. I get her up and out of bed, she asks me if I have go to the bathroom, that I better go. Then we start to get her back in bed and she worries that I won't go back to sleep. I assure her I will or that I'm up reading. She usually chuckles when I tell her I'm reading or will say, Surely not. She wants to know where I am and if I'm warm. Even though she calls me Mama, that role has not changed, she worries about my every comfort. She has a real need to know where I am when she goes to bed. I know it makes her insecure to be in the room by herself, she knows I'm close though.
I start my days as Alice but end them as Mama.
Saturday, January 02, 2010
01 02 2010
Patti Digh posted on her facebook status that today is Palindrome Day. 01 02 2010
I just love that sort of thing.
The girls are making brownies, one in oven another ready. (brownies in oven, not the girls) We have pizza ordered. Going to church tonight, Ritzy's afterward. I am hoping they still have peppermint milk shakes. They have the best ones ever. I just don't understand why peppermint ice cream is seasonal. I like it all the time.
I just love that sort of thing.
The girls are making brownies, one in oven another ready. (brownies in oven, not the girls) We have pizza ordered. Going to church tonight, Ritzy's afterward. I am hoping they still have peppermint milk shakes. They have the best ones ever. I just don't understand why peppermint ice cream is seasonal. I like it all the time.
Friday, January 01, 2010
01 January 2010
I just don't know how it got to be the year 2010. That sounds so far in the future, yet here is where I find myself. 63 years old, way too tired.
I've now completed one full year of care giving with my mother. Her frailties became more prominent in August 2008. She was in the hospital from August 14-October 3, 2008. During this time she got a feeding tube and had surgery for a brain tumor. When it was time for her to leave the hospital we got all the supplies to care for her at home. We have managed to keep her out of the hospital even though she has had several poorly spells.
I'm reading BLOODROOT by Amy Greene. I started it before Christmas but had to lay it aside. Now I'm half way through it and loving it. I intend to read and read during 2010. Even though I read a lot last year there were times I wasn't lost in a book. I want to stay lost most of the time. Clem & Trixie is almost copied. Justus is writing about Leticia Clotsworthy. I wrote a poem the other day. It's going to be a year of words.
I'm also going to attempt to read the Bible again in 2010, a chronological edition. I haven't done that. I'll have to see how it goes. Well, I know how it goes, just have to see if I like to read it like that.
We ate all the food that is supposed to be eaten on New Year's Day. I cooked so does this mean I will cook all year!!
I've now completed one full year of care giving with my mother. Her frailties became more prominent in August 2008. She was in the hospital from August 14-October 3, 2008. During this time she got a feeding tube and had surgery for a brain tumor. When it was time for her to leave the hospital we got all the supplies to care for her at home. We have managed to keep her out of the hospital even though she has had several poorly spells.
I'm reading BLOODROOT by Amy Greene. I started it before Christmas but had to lay it aside. Now I'm half way through it and loving it. I intend to read and read during 2010. Even though I read a lot last year there were times I wasn't lost in a book. I want to stay lost most of the time. Clem & Trixie is almost copied. Justus is writing about Leticia Clotsworthy. I wrote a poem the other day. It's going to be a year of words.
I'm also going to attempt to read the Bible again in 2010, a chronological edition. I haven't done that. I'll have to see how it goes. Well, I know how it goes, just have to see if I like to read it like that.
We ate all the food that is supposed to be eaten on New Year's Day. I cooked so does this mean I will cook all year!!
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Between 1 & 2 AM
It fills me with despair to think of all the sadness my granddaughters will experience. Tonight laughing with Elizabeth and Olivia, I wished they could always laugh. But already they have sadness. Olivia told me about something that made her cry at Christmas. Elizabeth has all the stresses of a 13 year old. If only I could cushion them all.
Also, I wish I could save Mama from all her frailties. I want her to be free of worry but nothing I do seems to accomplish that. She always took care of everything, did all the cooking, cleaned up all the mess. Now this has passed to me. I don't even like to cook. Elizabeth is learning to cook and does a great job. Tonight she made the cornbread and mashed the potatoes. When she is an old woman she will be able to make a pan of cornbread fit for a king.
I want to put away my Christmas trees but something is keeping me from it. I can't seem to let them go. They are all small with little white lights, except for the Norfolk Island Pine which has colored lights. The little silver tree came from the junk store in Georgetown. Elizabeth wants me to leave it up and decorate it for all the holidays. She says it will be pretty for Valentine's Day and Easter. Maybe I will do it. Why not.
The house is so quiet tonight, nothing stirring but me, clicking the computer keys, wrapped up in my new pink snuggie, a cat across my chest, books on the table, cokes in the fridge.
But sad. Not really a bad sad, just sad.
Also, I wish I could save Mama from all her frailties. I want her to be free of worry but nothing I do seems to accomplish that. She always took care of everything, did all the cooking, cleaned up all the mess. Now this has passed to me. I don't even like to cook. Elizabeth is learning to cook and does a great job. Tonight she made the cornbread and mashed the potatoes. When she is an old woman she will be able to make a pan of cornbread fit for a king.
I want to put away my Christmas trees but something is keeping me from it. I can't seem to let them go. They are all small with little white lights, except for the Norfolk Island Pine which has colored lights. The little silver tree came from the junk store in Georgetown. Elizabeth wants me to leave it up and decorate it for all the holidays. She says it will be pretty for Valentine's Day and Easter. Maybe I will do it. Why not.
The house is so quiet tonight, nothing stirring but me, clicking the computer keys, wrapped up in my new pink snuggie, a cat across my chest, books on the table, cokes in the fridge.
But sad. Not really a bad sad, just sad.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
CHRISTMAS TREES
I didn't put up a big Christmas tree. I intended to put up the white one but just didn't get it done. Instead I have several small trees. There are 4 big, little trees and lots and lots of little, little trees. I like them more than I thought I would. Three of them are sitting on a table together and the kittens spend a lot of their time sleeping there. They keep knocking one of them off the table but it doesn't seem to hurt it. It seems to be just the place for a kitty to nap.
Poppy, the outside kitty, had to go to the vet today. She has a head wound. It didn't amount to much, the vet cleaned it, gave her a shot and sealed off the wound. Poppy, who is feral, settled right in to being a very tame kitty. She didn't get the least bit upset, letting everybody hold her. She was happy to get home though.
I'm concerned for Jean Ritchie tonight.
Poppy, the outside kitty, had to go to the vet today. She has a head wound. It didn't amount to much, the vet cleaned it, gave her a shot and sealed off the wound. Poppy, who is feral, settled right in to being a very tame kitty. She didn't get the least bit upset, letting everybody hold her. She was happy to get home though.
I'm concerned for Jean Ritchie tonight.
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
DECORATIONS
I was going to take Mama for a pedicure today but it is too rainy and cold. She would be wet and frozen before I could get her in the car. Next week for sure.
A lot of the decorations are out of the attic. Maybe I will get festive today. I can only imagine what the cats will do when the tree is here. The kittens will be beside themselves. The tree or the cats may have to go to the porch.
A lot of the decorations are out of the attic. Maybe I will get festive today. I can only imagine what the cats will do when the tree is here. The kittens will be beside themselves. The tree or the cats may have to go to the porch.
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
ORNAMENTS
I found these ornaments at St. Vincent de Paul today, along with the little tree. None of them are in great shape but they are sparkly and festive. They make a nice centerpiece and also they might tell a story or two. Who discarded them? Were they not treasured? I'll use them for some decorating this Christmas.Monday, November 23, 2009
COOKING
It's been a long day. I did manage to get groceries and ordered a turkey from Moonlite. I have no desire to touch a raw, dead turkey. I'm not good at getting Thanksgiving dinner on the table. My mother always did it without any help from me. I just showed up then took a nap all afternoon. Now I have to be cook and be awake too. She always said, and still swears it to be true, that she liked to cook at Thanksgiving or any other day. I find that really strange. I wouldn't mind if I never had to cook again. Amazingly, I can cook, and right well, if I do say so my self. But it will all come together, we'll have a good time, be full, and all have a nap.
I'm reading THE THINGS THAT KEEP US HERE by Carla Buckley.
I'm reading THE THINGS THAT KEEP US HERE by Carla Buckley.
Monday, November 16, 2009
THE COMING DAYS
I'm trying to work up some enthusiasm for the holidays. Mostly I just think about cooking and dishes. Then there is the shopping. A lot of it will be done online. Going to a store and carrying sacks is a scary thought. The cats and the Christmas tree should be fun though. Last year one them kept climbing in the tree to take a nap.
My kittens, who had an unexcellent adventure last week, will stay here. I thought I would give them to a good home but they had other ideas. They eat, sleep, and poop. And purr. So how much trouble can that be? When it cold I will be glad to have them cuddling up in my lap.
We have a new printer for copying Clem & Trixie. I just have to put in a couple of pictures and fix the page numbers and it is ready to copy.
I'm reading GIRL TROUBLE by Holly Goddard Jones.
My kittens, who had an unexcellent adventure last week, will stay here. I thought I would give them to a good home but they had other ideas. They eat, sleep, and poop. And purr. So how much trouble can that be? When it cold I will be glad to have them cuddling up in my lap.
We have a new printer for copying Clem & Trixie. I just have to put in a couple of pictures and fix the page numbers and it is ready to copy.
I'm reading GIRL TROUBLE by Holly Goddard Jones.
Saturday, November 07, 2009
BOOKS
I should be sleeping. The rest of the world is sleeping. I'm awake, watching Criminal Minds reruns. I can't get a deep breath. My eyes won't let me read.
So much time spent wasted, books left unread, books unwritten. My unread books talk to me. Read me, they say. Most of them will be read in due time.
Mama's PT asks me the funniest things about my books, do I ever get rid of them, have I read them all. Those questions tell me she is not a reader. Of course, I haven't read them all, that's not necessarily the point. Sometimes, I want a book just for the cover, or an old book because of an inscription. I like to find bookmarks in old books.
Dear Blog, you have made me sleepy. Thank you so much.
So much time spent wasted, books left unread, books unwritten. My unread books talk to me. Read me, they say. Most of them will be read in due time.
Mama's PT asks me the funniest things about my books, do I ever get rid of them, have I read them all. Those questions tell me she is not a reader. Of course, I haven't read them all, that's not necessarily the point. Sometimes, I want a book just for the cover, or an old book because of an inscription. I like to find bookmarks in old books.
Dear Blog, you have made me sleepy. Thank you so much.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Making Bread
I've been making banana bread. Tonight I ran out of bananas so I made apple bread, using the same recipe. The most important ingredient is cream cheese. The apple bread is most wonderful. One of the kittens is lapping up the crumbs. She agrees, she loves it. I am going to try and not eat any more tonight.
I seem to have the fidgits tonight. Is fidgits a word? I want to read but mymind keeps wandering, the cats walk on my book, the tv talks to me. Maybe later.
I seem to have the fidgits tonight. Is fidgits a word? I want to read but mymind keeps wandering, the cats walk on my book, the tv talks to me. Maybe later.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
I should be sleeping. I never seem to be able to sleep at the right time. Olivia is in my bed, so warm and cozy, I can't move her. But it's hard to sleep with her. I have to be close enough to hear Mama, afraid the monitor won't wake me. Guess I'll just try to sleep with Olivia.
I haven't read much for a couple of days. But that will change. I have lots of books I want to read, lots of poems to read and to write.
So many things to write.
I haven't read much for a couple of days. But that will change. I have lots of books I want to read, lots of poems to read and to write.
So many things to write.
Monday, October 05, 2009
CATS AND BOOKS
I have a lot of cats. Last night I kept telling myself I would take the kittens to the shelter but I couldn't do it. They are so cute and very spoiled. They would not do well adjusting to another home. They were born in the house and have spent very little time outside. I hope they never find out that I even entertained the idea of taking them off.
I have lots of books, I'm not taking any of them off either.
I have lots of books, I'm not taking any of them off either.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Dear Blog,
Oh, dear blog, how I have neglected you. I have missed you.
I have been busy. I have found that I can do lots of things I would never have thought I could do. I won't tell you about that.
I will tell you what I've been reading. I recently read SOUTH OF BROAD by Pat Conroy and HER FEARFUL SYMMETRY bu Audrey Niffenegger. I loved them both although they were nothing alike. I wish I hadn't read them yet, and was just starting them now. I read UPHEAVAL by Chris Holbrook, wonderful stories. I read ELI THE GOOD by Silas House. I recommend it totally.
I haven't kept good records of what I have read this year. I like to go over my lists from previous years so I'm going to do much better in 2010. (How can it almost be 2010?)
I have lots of cats. Abby is off with her boyfriends. Sadie is across the street. Sonny Brewer is asleep on the trash can. Lydia is upstairs. The kittens, Pinky Max and Eudora Alice Welty, are sleeping, Pinky Max on the trash compactor, Eudora Alice Welty sitting on the arm chair. Macy has gone outside. The other outside cats are sleeping under the car. If I open the back door they will come running for a midnight snack.
I have finished Clem & Trixie.
I promise to do better, dear blog. Look for me tomorrow.
Love,
Alice
Oh, dear blog, how I have neglected you. I have missed you.
I have been busy. I have found that I can do lots of things I would never have thought I could do. I won't tell you about that.
I will tell you what I've been reading. I recently read SOUTH OF BROAD by Pat Conroy and HER FEARFUL SYMMETRY bu Audrey Niffenegger. I loved them both although they were nothing alike. I wish I hadn't read them yet, and was just starting them now. I read UPHEAVAL by Chris Holbrook, wonderful stories. I read ELI THE GOOD by Silas House. I recommend it totally.
I haven't kept good records of what I have read this year. I like to go over my lists from previous years so I'm going to do much better in 2010. (How can it almost be 2010?)
I have lots of cats. Abby is off with her boyfriends. Sadie is across the street. Sonny Brewer is asleep on the trash can. Lydia is upstairs. The kittens, Pinky Max and Eudora Alice Welty, are sleeping, Pinky Max on the trash compactor, Eudora Alice Welty sitting on the arm chair. Macy has gone outside. The other outside cats are sleeping under the car. If I open the back door they will come running for a midnight snack.
I have finished Clem & Trixie.
I promise to do better, dear blog. Look for me tomorrow.
Love,
Alice
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