FEEDING TUBE

My mother has a feeding tube and depends on it for her nutrition. She isn't pleased to have it and rolls her eyes when she sees me coming toward her with her feeding. The comment is always the same, I bet you are thrilled to have to do this. I assure her it is fine, I don't mind. And I don't. She has been having some pain , which we are addressing, but it aggravates her. Tonight she said she was going to pull it out, I told her she would be back in the hospital, she said she wouldn't go.

Then she said, "I'm getting fed up with this feeding tube."

I'm still laughing.

JANE

Jane wins a give away. So, Jane, watch your mailbox.

Jane, the original Cosmic Possum, sent me a guardian possun just when I needed it most. Around 10 pm I would often see him, bravely eating cat food at the back door, looking up at me when I turned on the light. The cats just eat with him. I have well fed cats and a well fed possum.

300th POST

This is my 300th post. If I had any readers I would have a give away.

LOOKING BRIGHTER

Things look brighter to me this morning. I've calmed considerably. I have three hours to write and read. I can hide away upstairs, not answer the phone or listen to any noise.

OUT OF SORTS

It's one of those being at loose ends nights. My brain is addled, my body is bruised. I would love to take an ambien and go to sleep but it would make me sleep too soundly. To make matters worse, there are no cokes in the house.

WHAT SHE EATS

My mother has been released from physical therapy, even though she can't get up by herself. That's not to say she hasn't made progress. We have the option of going for therapy but I can't get her out of the house without help. She will continue to do her exercises here at home.
Even with her collapsed esophagus, I fed her hummus and Triscuits with rosemary and olive oil. It made her sick but she said it was well worth it.
The morning dreariness has given way to sunshine causing the leaves to glow, the glow before the cold.

A NEW ADDITION

There is a new addition to my porch this morning:
*1 mouse, dead

THE THINGS ON MY FRONT PORCH

I'm sitting on my front porch. I have the laptop, a coke, and 8 mini Snickers. I'm laughing at all the things on the porch.
These are the things I see:
*A wooden porch swing hanging by chains and springs, bounces nicely
*4 pillows, ragged
*long wire rabbit cage, empty
*short rabbit cage with purple bottom, also empty
*1 large white goose, not real
*exercise bicycle, unused
*1 pumpkin
*1 hummingbird feeder, empty
*1 flower pot, empty
*1 metal plant stand
*wind chimes
*1 rake
*1 toddler bicycle, on its side
*1 red cat dish
*1 discarded Tupperware bowl used to feed cats
*1 wooden glider, bought for $10 at St. Vincent de Paul
*1 green glider cushion, stained
*1 McDonald's french fry bag, empty
*1 chicken nugget box, empty
*1 half-full Mountain Dew bottle
*1 McDonald's Happy Meal sack, crumpled
*1 plastic glass
*1 lounge chair with pad
*1 wooden school desk
*1 deer skull, broken, scattered, stolen from the back porch of the Methodist parsonage
*4 bricks, broken
*2 rocks
*4 floor mats, various sizes
*1 rug, folded
*1 children's swing, handmade
*8 cats, on and around the porch
*leaves
*Snickers wrappers
*empty coke bottle

TUESDAY

My day began with Mama working herself out of the bed, between the rail and the foot board. There she was, on the floor. She doesn't seem any worse for wear.
The physical therapist came today and was very helpful with showing me how to get Mama up and down without pulling her arms out of the sockets. That could be important.
Susan and the girls are coming tomorrow, we are anxious to see them. Olivia will be in school and we will miss her.
Leah called last night to tell us she has lost her first tooth. Susan said it was the last time she could say that her child had lost her first tooth.
We finally got some rain today. The wind blew just enough to blow leaves off the trees and let them fall softly to the ground where they will protect the herbs all winter. I had to let the herbs and flowers go to seed but that may be good for them when they wake up in the spring. A mum has bloomed in the round bed in the middle of the driveway, I don't remember planting it there. Mingled with the mum is a miniature, white rose bush, they look lovely together.

I JUST THOUGHT I KNEW

I have come to realize that I just thought I knew what it means to be tired. I know now that I've never been really tired before. Every little nerve in my head hurts and my back is on borrowed time. But I'm happy to report that Mama had all of her feedings today, all of her medicine, got a bath, had the PICC flushed, walked twice, listened to music, talked on the phone, had a few little forbidden snacks and now is in bed and may be asleep. I hate to wake her up to see if she is sleeping.
Clem & Trixie got left out again today. Tomorrow for sure, Clem & Trixie, I haven't forgotten you.

WINDING THE CLOCK

We've made it through Saturday. Nothing terrible has happened, Mama is fed, medicated, and in bed. Not sleeping, we're talking. She's asking me questions, I'm saying yes, no, I don't know, I have no idea. She rephrases and I still have no idea.
I've learned how to flush the PICC line and how to dispose of needles. I haven't disposed of any but I know how it is done.
My legs feel like I am dragging around tires tied to my ankles, my shoulders are bent, my back is, well let's just say I know where it hurts.
I've neglected Clem & Trixie for a few days. On Sunday they will have my attention. Clem is learning new words, he loves words. Trixie is managing to keep out of the sewing room. Ambrosia is having trouble with her leg. Trixie's mother is cutting quilt pieces. Trixie is looking the other way. Clem is looking at Trixie.
I haven't seen the guardian possum for two nights but I'm sure he has been at the back door for his late night supper of cat food or left-over pork chops.
The clock is striking midnight, about 5 minutes late. I love to hear it strike. When I was a little girl visiting Essa Cova I listened to their clocks, one upstairs, one downstairs. They were never exactly on the same time. Before we went to bed the clocks were wound. Cova wound the downstairs clock and Essa the one upstairs. I usually helped wind the clocks. I'll wind my clock before I go to sleep and move the hand up 5 minutes or so. I hope I hear it strike every hour.
I think Mama has gone to sleep, she has stopped talking to me and is breathing evenly. She won't sleep for long, soon will be up to the bathroom. She will tell me how sorry she is to wake me and how she hates for me to do things for her. I don't know how to reassure her that it is okay. Maybe she knows.

...and it was midnight after the first day

My mother and I had an uneventful trip home from the hospital, I drove and she slept. I couldn't get her up the steps to the porch without help from our neighbor across the street. She went straight to the bed and promptly went back to sleep and slept all afternoon. I kept checking on her, feeling secure the rails that I thought were high enough would keep her in the bed should she wake. I stuck my head in the door to find her in the floor, the heater turned over. I called John Wayne and he got her up and on the potty chair. She said she wasn't hurt and I think she's okay. She wanted to go back to bed. But first she had to have her feeding. The only problem was me leaving the water in the kitchen, Mama had to hold the tube while I went to get the container of water. Back to sleep for Mama. Around 9 she woke up again, came to the living room and rubbed my feet. Time for another feeding and Tylenol. This went fine until I had to go get more water. I had Mama hold the tube. When I got back with the water she was holding the tube but it had come loose and was the feeding was draining out. Thankfully I had covered her with a waterproof pad. We did not do well in the bathroom so it is the potty chair for now. I had to wake JW to get her out of the bathroom.
Now we are abed, me in the reading bed, her in the hospital bed. We are both awake, talking about this and that. She is cold and covered up head and ear. I'm hot and have the fan blowing in my face.
The book room is our sleeping place, we are surrounded by books, words, thoughts, recollections, poems, signatures, green wallpaper with little pink flowers, book shelves all around. When I was picking out wallpaper for the house I asked her if she liked this green paper for the book room. She said it didn't make any difference to her. I told her she better choose one she liked because it might be on the walls of the room where she would die. And so it shall be.
It's after midnight and the beginning of the second day. My mother and I have come full circle. She is my child.
Without JW I could not do this nor anything that has come before. He is my strength, my enabler, the hand that is always there to catch me.

GETTING READY

Mama will be coming home from the hospital tomorrow so I'm getting ready. The hospital bed will be here anytime and, surprisingly, I have a place for it to sit. Right now the book room only has three pieces of furniture, a desk, lateral file, and the reading bed. That will soon change but for now I look in there with amazement. Maybe it would be nice to live in a house with very little furniture and no stuff. I do like my stuff though.

HOSPITAL ROOMS

I've spent a lot of nights in hospital rooms since August 14. That is the day my mother entered the hospital. Since that day she has had a feeding tube inserted and had her brain tumor removed. She also was given too much dilantin which nearly killed her. We can see a lot of improvement although she still has a lot of recovering ahead of her.
My reading has suffered since I have trouble concentrating. I'm sure I will make it up later. I have managed to do some writing which has been my therapy.
Jeanie reminded me today that it feels like winter and it is getting dark all to early. I dread having to wear coats and shoes.

HINDMAN

Last week was the writer's workshop in Hindman. It was as good a week as I expected, even better. The mountains protected me, the rain comforted and the writers encouraged. I listened, talked, read, wrote, laughed, cried, ate, walked, rocked, slept, dreamed, sang (quietly), learned. Most importantly, I spent time with some of my favorite people in the world. I'm missing them.

SUSAN & LIAT